Blue nights

Perfect everything

I always wanted to be perfect.

Have the prefect everything.

Perfect body, perfect hair, perfect relationship. Perfect lips, perfect wardrobe. Perfect family. But I know I will never have any of these things. I just wish that one day, maybe ill have a few of those things. But for now. I will have... Just extraordinary me.

When I reached my weight limit I screamed. I was over weight and I would do anything I could possibly do to lose weight. But nothing worked, I worked out 2 times a day and it was just not cutting it.

Then I seen one of my best friends Lana brown. She was one of those girls you wish you could be. Beautiful, skinny, under weight even. Funny, smart. Everything you would want.

She lost like ten pounds and I asked her how she was loosing weight so fast. And she told me she has been, skipping meals. Not eating for days.

Starving herself. And so I thought to myself if this is the rout I should be going? Ill give it two months if I don't eat breakfast and lunch for the n'cut two months, and I lose weight ill stop.

The first time I starved myself was the hardest thing I've ever done. I thought I was going to die, no food in my stomach, tired,weak and drooling every time I put my head down.

The longer I went the skinnier I went. The longest I've gone was two days. Fucking failure. Ew, I am disgusted by myself. You can't even starve right.

I thought about throwing up but I was too chicken shit to even make myself gag. Fail again. I thought I was never going to be skinny. I just want to be happy with the way I look, is that too much for myself to handle! All I ask for is to lose 7 pounds every two weeks.

But that's not even close to what I'm doing. If anything I've been gaining weight, all I ever do is eat nowadays and it's driving me crazy. I cannot stop.

Please I'm begging make me perfect. Make me perfect everything.