Ingrid just had the most horrible break down of her whole life. Even thought she knew her true sexuality, she wasn't ready to talk about to anyone. She was in a relationship with a guy for almost two years by that time, and this past two years were rough ones.
Before him, there were others, many others. And all of this relationships started the same way: at the beginning, she would enjoy their companionship. They would go out in many dates, she would feel happy and comfortable when by their presence, until they got physical. Her comfortableness would break like a glass wall as soon as they first kissed, but after many years, this was something that she learned how to put up with. But many kisses would come, and there were sex. She felt so uncomfortable during it, that all she could think of was "when is it going to end?!".
She loved all her partners, at least for the time they were together. Somehow, she truly did. But she never felt in love, even thought she cared about them, all this relationships have been, in a way, fake.
But this one, in particularly, was different. Since day one, she knew it was a wrong call to even start this. By that time, she was already having huge second thoughts on whether she should come out or not. This relationship was a way she found to procrastinate (even more). You know, she really liked him, he was a nice guy. She just didn't like him as a date. And after almost two years pretending she did, she couldn't keep this lie going anymore. She was just looking for a way to break up peacefully, but her sexuality couldn't be a topic of conversation.
Then this morning came. She was super stressed out over many things, and her current bad mood was even worse. They (her boyfriend and her) were having breakfast, while he was looking their mail. After about 10 minutes, he said:
- Kelly and Robert's wedding invitation came in today. They're pretty excited, i can tell.
- Yeah? You think so? last time we saw they, i felt like he was waaaay more excited than her - said Ingrid.
- Well, i don't know, i think so. But you know, this whole thing got me thinking about us, 'bout our relationship. I really love you, i'm 100% sure of that. And, you know, i wanna be with you. I wanna have a future with you. How do you feel about it?
- Wow, gosh, i... i don't know. Are you like...? i don't know, i've never thought about it, jesus. Oh god, i'm sorry but, really, i don't know. I can't answer this right now.
- Are you think that i...? wait. I don't want an immediate answer about our future. I understand if you don't know it yet. I just... listen, Ingrid, you don't have to answer me now, of like, tomorrow. Just give a thought, take some time. And when you're ready, let me know. Ok, baby?
- yeah, sure. I'm gonna go to the office now, have to go through some ideas for my new videos with Eileen, see you later, k?
Ingrid left the apartment as fast as she could. She got into her car, turned the radio on and drove to her office the slowest she could, taking te longest way. She didn't want to think about her future. She didn't want to confront her problems. She only got into this relationship because it was easy. He was a nice guy, always understood her free-spirited adventures, never questioned any of her decisions. But in this day, in this morning, he made that simple and stupid question that she was terrified of.
Ingrid wasn't ready. Not only to choose her future, but to face her cruel reality: she wasn't truly living her life. She was avoiding her nature for the last 26 years. She was building up a wall around her that couldn't let her show her true self to anyone. That wasn't making her any good, but this wall was so tall now, that she just didn't now how to get out.
During the entire way to the office, she cried. At this point of her life, she was so fragile. By the time she got there, her face was so swollen. Eileen tried not to say anything, she didn't want to sound rude. But Ingrid was one of her best friends, she couldn't ignore that huge red head, she was clearly struggling with something.
- Hey babe, i don't want to sound indelicate, but it looks like you could use some help. Wanna friendly shoulder?
- I don't know, i'm so lost, Eileen. I just... ok, so, my boyfriend asked if i kind of have any ideas of what i want for our future, like, together.
- Well, and?
- And that's it. I mean, i have no fucking clue. I'm just not ready to answer this kind of question.
- Ingrid, honey, i get it. But you look like someone who had a rough time. Is there anything else?
- No, i'm just not ready and he scared me. I should probably take a power nap. Be right back.
Ingrid laid on the office's couch for about only 30 minutes, but it was enough for her to dream. In her dream, she was in New York, and there were this girl with whom she was holding hands. They were happy, she was happy. She felt free.
When she woke up, it was decided: she was going to New York. There were many things to plan, but she needed this. She needed to feel free like that.
