Its my fifth grade year in Ps7 and this will be my last year .Me and Oscar haven't been talking lately because I heard he cheated on me. I have been carrying and hurting and screaming in bed scaring my mom to death only for me to tell her "I'm fine mom". He moved to Riverdale and goes to middle school he's in the 6 grade now. I know he had to have did something but when he comes to visit me he tells me "that isn't true princess" or "stop saying that u crying is your fault" or "stop believing everyone else". I try to believe him and discard what everyone says but I couldn't . I just knew it was true I know him too well for him to lie to me but I don't wanna let him go .He's my first love and I want him to be my last .I just don't know if he wants me to be his last.
I start getting dressed to go to school . Its my last year and I try to do the best I can to at least look decent my mom doesn't help out cause she believes young ladies don't need help with anything . They should be able to handle anything on their owns. I hate when she says things like that. It makes me feel worthless when I do ask for help. That's why I don't. So I put on my new black sketchers and tie up my hair in a ponytail. I throw on my jacket and start the walk to school. My stomach is already grumbling and my head is throbbing. Another day in school is another day in fucking hell sometimes. The fake ass heartless boys and the big mouth bitches.The teachers usually gave no fucks and they treated all mental situations lightly which I thought pretty much sucked because most young children at our age had these mental problems.Like me only at 10 I already figured out I had Mild Depression Disorder, Bipolar , AdHd and a fee other cases that only my mom knew of sadly I still had to come to school everyday dealing with bullshit and solving problems that weren't even my own. I walk into the school and skip past the assistant principal Mr.Shafer and a group of kids talking by the doors that were leading into the cafeteria. I came about 10 minutes early so not many people I knew were here. The people who I knew were here were my two friends Melanie c. And Melanie M. I loved both of those two with all my heart in a friendly way of course . Melanie C had lived right next door to me and I knew her before the school yeah started . She was a lot of the reason that I haven't took a gun or knife to my head days I'm arguing with my mom. Its cool tho I thank her for helping me in those situations. Especially because there's only about four months of the school yeah left I wanna do my best to finish with a big ass smile on my face making all the other bitches tight as fuck. I sit in between the two Melanie's and they start asking me about the homework "do you guys really think I even did it?" I said to both of them. They laugh and focus back on their essays for reading. I begin to hum a song in my head and think hard about how am I gonna survive today. "So ela is first then science then math then gym then lunch then math again then history after that is utterly boring after school for about three hours and then I go back to hell which what everyone else calls home" I try to keeps things positive because that is the best thing to do.I want to remain kind and I want to care and love the same all thought life. I never would wanna give up on hold because of some dumb shit. Especially not something as dumb as school.
(End of school day)
My day went more smoothly than ever. I actually got to talk to an old crush of mine. Well more of an 3rd grade Ex of mine. Rafi was his name and he was the most cutest 5 grade boy I seen. My height Spanish smart but the biggest I guess flaw he had was he was the 1st fuckboii in the school. Cab you believe that !! Only elementary and already we've got fuckboiis. Its cool though that's just the way shit is. So Rafi and me did flirt low key but that didn't matter I was just Emily and he was just Rafi. I couldn't change that neither could he. Plus my feelings for him would never matter he already had his eye low key set on one of the twins. He was set on Emma. I didn't want their relationship to become reality because then it would never end. They both liked each other and they both knew how to play the game.That's just how things started in our school.
(2 weeks after)
"EMILYYY!!!!!!!""'
"HUH?"
I see Emma walking or kinda running towards me. I hug her because I believe that's what she needed a hug. I was wrong on so many levels.
"You ain't gonna believe who I'm with!"
I looked her straight in the eyes and smiled knowing the answer deep in the pit of my stomach "who?" I said slowly
"Rafi!!!" She giggles her beautiful flawless smile and I smile back because that's all I could do. Smile and say "I'm so happy for you"
She stares at me for five seconds and her smiles goes away "Emily... What's wrong?" She says slowly obviously knowing I'm not that happy with what she just told me "Nothing I'm fine just tired is all" I say trying to convince her without showing any emotions . "Okay see you later" she skips off going home next to her sister. I stare at her both with hatred and love because I love her like a little sister but I've developed a sense of hate for the fact that she was with the boy I liked. I had to get over this some how. This was my way.
(Two months later)
"Shut up !!! I hate you!!!!"
I scream at the top of my lungs to my mother as she grabs me and looks at me up and down. My hair is a mess lip stick smeared on my cheek and my shirt torn on the side. I pull from her grasp and lock myself in the bathroom. I scream and hit the walls till my hands bleed. I can't stop screaming and crying. Emma and Rafi are still together. I don't know what to do anymore. I still like him but Emma's like a sister to me I wouldn't do anything to hurt her but it's like not hurting her is hurting me. I want to die I want to leave the world away from everything and everyone. I pull up my sleeves and look at my left arm full of permanent brusies and cuts all up and down my arm. In the middle is a space I take the sharpener blade from my sharpener out and begin to trace the letter deep in my skin. R.A.F.I
For him I did it I thought in someway he would know how much I cared for him if I did it this way. There's blood spilling all over my arm is numb and I can finally calm myself. I fill the bathtub all the way up and lay in it clothes and all bleeding out my vision blurring. I start to slap myself hard in the face to keep awake. One after the other. Slap,punch,pinch,slap,slap,slap,punch,slap,slap,pinch.Each one harder than the other making my face bruise up and burn making me daze worse. I fell to sleep from the dizzyness.
(About an hour later)
My step dad walks in and looks at me pulls off my clothes and sits me on the toilet.
"Does your mom know Bout these ?" He points at my cuts and bruises and I shake my head no. "Do you want her to know?" I shake my head no slowly again. "Then I want you to do something for me" he tells me to get on my knees so I did not knowing what would happen next. He turns the light off and I sit there waiting for something to happen. I feel his hand on my neck and he tells me to open my mouth so I do something gets pushed in and he told me to suck.I started crying because I knew what was happening but I also knew noone else was here and no one was coming to help me. I pulled myself off after he kept forcing himself into me. He would pull me by my hair, hold me by my arms, and squeeze my face till it hurt. My arms were aching and my body was shaking I didn't know what to do. Something begins moving in and out of my mouth. Its taste is horrible and it makes me feel like I'm going to throw up. I feel his hand slide down my back and I shiver. I feel him pick at the back of my pants and slide a finger In me. It hurts badly and I start to cry louder. I pull off and hit my head on the bottom of the sink. Everything went black.
I remember waking up on my bed but I don't get up. The curtains are drawn the sun is shining the birds are chirping and I smell waffels. Everything seems normal except the fact that what happened is wrong but I know I can't say anything. Doing so would ruin the life my mother has worked so hard for.Making us happy is all she tries to do. So i let her be happy and keep my mouth shut.
I walked out my room and my little brother was packing up his things in a bag. It was only Saturday. Where could he be going ? "Hey em" he says . I look over my shoulder and say "hey nicho. Where you going why are you packing " He looks at me smiling "dads house , mom said to tell you your coming with me". I freeze because nicholas's considers "dad" as the man who touched me when he shouldn't have .
