What Once Was Mine

Him.

"Ben? Ben, where are you?" He could see her, standing there looking for him. She was small and helpless. Kylo furrowed his brow. How could she have gotten here? This was impossible. He stepped towards her as he looked around. It was dark and cold. Where were they? This place certainly wasn't familiar. No matter. She was here, and she was alone, and she needed him.

Siemarie turned to him with a confused look on her face. Oh, that face. Kylo smiled slightly. He had missed that face for a long time. Her small nose, her wide grey eyes, her pale skin. The neck that he just had to kiss. The neck that he had to grab, and twist, and hurt and ki--

"W-Who are you?" Her voice was soft, trusting. That would be the death of her.

"Siemarie, it's me. It's Ben." That name, his old name, felt foreign in his mouth. It was the name she remembered. This was the only way she would understand. Siemarie shook her head.

"No... No, you're not Ben."

"Yes, I am." Why was she not remembering? This was off.

"No. Ben is strong. He is powerful. He would never betray me like you have. My Ben would never have hurt me, would never have hurt his family." With every word her voice got louder, got deeper. He couldn't speak. His mouth tried to form words, but nothing came out. He clutched at his throat.

Her voice changed to one that he knew all too well. "There's been an awakening in the force. Have you felt it?" Snoke's voice rang loudly through his ears, seeming to echo through the area. A sharp pain, and Kylo looked down. She had stabbed him in the stomach with a lightsaber. He looked back up at her, only to see the face of his mother. She was crying. He was crying. He slowly felt himself slip away.

Kylo sat up quickly, panting slightly. He had been having dreams a lot recently, and they always contained her. He collapsed back into his bed for a moment. Closing his eyes, he took a deep breath. The call to the light had been getting louder and louder, and as that happened, the deeper Kylo descended into darkness. He shook his head as he stood up. She was mad at him; he could sense it. She didn't realize that he did it for her. That her home planet, Kamino, had become corrupted with drugs and gambling. Anyone who wasn't high was wasting away in a casino.

Stop, He told himself. Stop feeling guilty. You're different now. You're the most powerful Knight of Ren, and you shouldn't feel remorse for someone you should have killed years ago. Kylo ran a hand through his hair as he dressed himself. He was right. He really should have killed her. It would have made everything so much easier. Kylo stood and clipped his newly-repaired lightsaber to his hip. His thoughts were dark as he slipped on his mask.

It was cold outside. Cold and dark. He could feel the darkness within him clench and tighten like a hand that was grabbing him from the inside.  Kylo staggered as he walked through the forest, leaving a mess in his wake. He was angry, and his anger fueled his power. He heard footsteps behind him and quickly turned as he drew his lightsaber. Kylo softened slightly as he saw the woman he loved with tears in her eyes.

"B-Ben?" She had no weapon. No means of defending herself or attacking him. She stepped towards him hesitantly.

"I'm not Ben. Not anymore." His voice was ragged and raw. He had done a lot of screaming. Siemarie raised her arms as she kept moving forward.

"Y-You don't have to do this. You can come home, you ca--"

"NO!" His voice rang through the trees and made her flinch backwards. He hoped the regret wasn't noticeable on his face. "You don't understand. This... This place. It is wrong. It is corrupt with the power of the chosen few who have hurt to climb their ranks." He saw the look of hurt on her face and struggled to keep from comforting her.

"Ben... Don't do this. Please, don't leave me alone here!" She was crying now. She was crying and Kylo couldn't do anything to help her. He hesitated and bit his lip.

"You don't have to be alone. You... You could come with me. You could become the most powerful woman in all the galaxy. You could rule by my si--" It was her turn to cut him off.

"You know very well I can't do that. That would be betraying everything I've stood for. Everything I've learned in my entire life. I can't throw that away to hurt thousands of innocent lives, Ben." Siemarie wiped away a tear. Kylo's jaw was set into place, his stance set to one of aggression. He gripped his lightsaber in his hand so hard his knuckles turned white. He started towards her... and yet he couldn't find the strength to do it. He couldn't kill her. He pursed his lips and shook his head.

"Goodbye, Siemarie." He turned away and continued to stagger through the woods a few more feet.

"Ben...!" He turned around and used the Force to slam her against a tree. It wasn't enough to kill her, but it would stop her from following him.

"I said goodbye." He clipped his lightsaber back onto his hip, and tried not to feel guilty about leaving his true love behind.

Kylo made his way through the new Starkiller base, going deep down into the dark grey hallways. The new base wasn't his idea. It was Hux's, but at that time he was still wounded and thus, had no say in the matter. At least it was more spacious than the last one. Stormtroopers marched past, and Kylo could sense them freezing up as he stomped in front of them. He chuckled inwardly. It was always fun to strike fear into the hearts of those below him. Kylo stepped through a large doorway and looked around the sizeable control room.

People in dark uniforms were busy clicking and beeping away at their stations. Hux was standing above them all, his usual expression of distaste etched onto his face. The ginger man looked up and nodded to Kylo as he approached. "Commander," Hux started. "Good morning." Kylo's sigh was muffled through his voice modulator. He had no need for formalities at the moment.

"General. Status update." Kylo moved to the front of the room, looking out into the vastness of space as Hux struggled to keep up with his large stride.

"Our current path to the sun of Baraab is coming along well. We should be there in 3 days time." Kylo could sense something that Hux wasn't telling him something. He searched through Hux's mind till he found what he wanted.

"The resistance is planning an attack. They'll be here soon, won't they?" Kylo's heart screamed Siemarie's name. She would be here. Hux froze up slightly, raising his chin in a stiff expression.

"We have more than enough power to take their ships out, sir. They'll be a mild inconvenience at most." Kylo shook his head.

"No. Take out a few of the ships, but leave them alive. I'll be expecting a visitor."

"Sir--" Kylo raised his hand and force-closed Hux's lips together. If Snoke didn't need Hux so badly, Kylo would have killed him right there.

"We want the ones alive so that they will tell of our terror." He began to lower his hand slightly, and then raised it as he thought for a moment. "There will be a girl boarding this ship. Detain her if you find her, but leave her alive." Kylo released the hold on Hux's lips. "Or else."