Broken Pieces

So Far Out of My Reach

Elaine 

Holy shitballs.

God-fucking-dammit. 

Oh. My. God!!!

I did not expect to see him today. I could literally hear my stomach drop to the goddamn floor when I saw him in my apartment sitting on my couch with his bandmates laughing with my best friends. I wasn't ready. I always tried to imagine the first time we'd see each other in my mind, and I always pictured myself looking strong and independent and glamorous as fuck. Not wearing a coffee-stained college sweatshirt and ratty jeans. If I had known he was coming over with Calum, I would have put on something nicer. And brushed my hair. 

One look at his face and that was all it took to undo all the barriers I built for six months. I so wasn't ready. I didn't even have words. All the while I was thinking, OH MY GOD he is so heartbreakingly beautiful. Is it possible that he looks even better now than he did before? Oh shit, I look like a fucking mess, this is so embarrassing. How did a guy like that ever fall for a girl like me? I felt like the luckiest girl in the world until I remembered he doesn't belong to me anymore, and my heart shattered to pieces all over again.

For a while I was flustered that he had to see Art. I didn't want him to think I had already moved on, because I know for myself that I hadn't yet. I wanted to be with him again. I didn't want him to think Art was my way of saying I've got someone new now. I felt like Art's being here had blown any chances I had left with him. But then I had to mentally slap myself because hello, this is showing him what he's been missing! But I knew the truth and the truth is that I was the one who was looking at what I'm missing. 

And he just wouldn't stop staring at me! I couldn't even meet his eyes because it still hurts. And I hated that because I wanted to stare at him. No, I craved it. I needed to see him, drink his features in and memorize every part of him now. I wanted to compare the Luke of my memory to the one in front of me now. I wanted to know how much he's changed. I have touched every part of him before. Will there be any unfamiliar territory now? Or will everything be the same as I remember it? Does my touch still linger? Although technically speaking, we shed skin cells every day. So if I'm being really literal, I would have to say I've not touched any part of him at all. And that really fucking hurts.

I try to regain my composure as the elevator makes its way down to the basement parking of our building. The only reason I managed to keep my cool earlier while dressing up was the fact that he was just on the other side of the door and I refused to break down with him in the immediate vicinity. Thank heavens for that call from my mom. I don't know if my sanity could take one more second of him being so close but so out of my reach.