TW: mention of suicide
"You shouldn't do that."
"Fuck you, Jordan."
As I stand outside in front of the office with a now lot cigarette hanging out of my mouth, Jordan stands beside me with a worried look on his face. I try to ignore it of course and take a drag. As usual, it's pretty late and everyone's left or else we wouldn't even dare be seen together.
I've gotten pretty used to smoking although it's only been a few days. It irritated my throat at first but now it feels somewhat natural to have the smoke invade my lungs.
"You know," Jordan says as he sticks his hands in his pockets, "Dexter stopped smoking when you told us about your cancer. Don't you think you could at least... I don't know, show him you appreciate his effort or something."
I shrug as I let smoke spill out of my mouth.
"That was his choice; this is mine."
He sighs but doesn't press on the matter. He instead tries to make small talk.
"Fine. How's James then? I haven't heard anything from him in a long time."
I look down at the ground and kick at nothing.
"I don't know... I try not to talk to him or anything. He seems to be taking it pretty hard though, of course."
"Yeah, that's understandable. As long as he doesn't do anything crazy, everything should be fine," he says.
"Heh, yeah," I say as I take a drag.
"If anything were to happen to James... I'd just kill myself. I'd literally have nothing left to live for."
A small chuckle escapes Jordan's lips.
"That's right... James is the man you love, after all."
I look at him from the side of my eye before looking down again.
"...What's that supposed to mean?"
He shrugs.
"...You saying that just reminds me that no matter what happens between us, I will never be the man you love... that although we share something special, it's not nearly as special as what you and James share. That's all I mean."
I look at him to see that he's smiling at me. Looking into his eyes, I know exactly what he wants to say; I know exactly where his heart is. But I also knew that he knew what I was thinking. What he says is correct; he's nothing more than a little fling for me. He's a risk I took since I've got no time for regrets. Sure, he's important to me but only as a friend and coworker. Never have I ever felt that way about Jordan and, sadly, I never will.
Once again I hear Jordan let out a small laugh before his hand touches my back.
"I'm not going to stay here for much longer. You should go home, alright?"
Despite his smile, I could tell that he just didn't want to see me. So, I just nodded.
"Alright, I think I will."
"Good. I'll see ya tomorrow then."
With that, he turns around and enters the office. A part of me feels bad about everything but there's nothing I can do to make him feel better.
My heart belongs to James; dead or alive.
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