2016. My mind was still trying to wrap my mind around that. So much had happened in the last 7 years, yet 2009 felt like only yesterday. I was in the prime of my life, but I had left my heart in the past. It was all I thought about. "What if". What if things had been different. It was silly, here I was at a New Years party surrounded by friends and I couldn't find an ounce of happiness. "Bartender, could I have a shot of Brandy." The man nodded and easily slid the drink across the smooth counter. I took a deep breathe and let the drink wash my feelings and thoughts back to the pit of my stomach. My insides grew warm and comfortable, and I felt myself loosen up. Everyone was already pretty hammered, and I desperately need to catch up. I stood up and scanned the club. The place was packed, people sloppily dancing beside one another, laughing, and tripping through the crowds of ligaments. Vomit mixed with the smell of alcohol overwhelmed me. Lights flashed and music pounded accompanied by screaming and a drunk guy trying to sing Beyonce All The Single Ladies. "Dan!" I turned to see Katy, tipsy and giggling with joy. "We were all looking for you!" She leaned into me, not stable on her own. "Phil was getting worried." I smiled at the thought.
"Where is Phil anyway?" I didn't like the idea of him drunk walking around by himself. He attracted a lot of weird people, and he was too kind to tell them off.
"Did someone say handsome?" Phil walked over, flashing his charming drunken smile. "Philly!" Katy threw herself at him and they embraced and exchanged a short sloppy kiss. Phil turned to me.
"Enjoying the party?" His words smoothed together, not as profound as they usually are. "Not as much as I enjoyed your mum last night." "Dan!" He scolded, but then burst into a giggle. I found myself laughing along with him. "I hate this songggg" Katy whined, looking helpless into Phil's eyes. He kissed her on the forehead, then stared into her eyes before smirking. Phil wrapped his arm around Katy's hips and grabbed her cheek. "Maybe we can make some good memories to this song, may I take this dance?" I turned away, it hurt to see him like this. It had been 5 years since our break up, yet I still wasn't over him. Wow was I pathetic. "Don't get lost again Dan, we'll be on the dance floor." I wanted to respond with something sassy, maybe that I was never lost, but Phil was already lost in Katy's presence, I don't think he would of heard me. After they walked off I opened up my phone and scrolled through tumblr in attempt to preoccupy my mind. I was overwhelmed with an abundance of phan posts, and the pain grew more. I moved to open my twitter when a tap disturbed me. I looked up to see a pretty girl in a loose black dress, her brunette hair swept to the side in a messy braid. Her eyes sparkled, an earthy color of red dirt and tree bark. She was gorgeous to say the least. "Uh, could, can I buy you a drink?" she smiled shyly, then glanced at the ground. I looked beyond her to see Katy and Phil locked together, lips smashed together messily sliding across each others face. I met this girls eyes again. What would one drink do? I needed to get over this school girl crush sometime. New year new you right? "Yea, I would like that." I gave her the friendliest look I could, as she ordered me a beer. She turned around and handed me the drink. "So what's your name?" I asked "What?" Her voice was lost in the blasting music of the club. "What's your name?" I said louder, competing with all the other loud voices around the bar. "I'm sorry what?" She gave me a desperate confused look, her eyebrows raised in an almost comical fashion. I decided to give up on conversation and pointed to the dance floor. "Dance?" I mouthed the words and she nodded. I gulped down the remaining beer, then took her hand and walked with her to the music. We finally squeezed through the crowds and found a small area for us. I swayed back and forth occasionally snapping my fingers. She mumbled along to the Taylor Swift song and gently moved her hips around, her arms waving whimsically in tune to the beat. I tried to focus on the moment,but I found my mind drifting off to what Phil was doing. I looked around the club, desperately wanting to see his vivid blooming blue eyes. Then I saw him holding hands with Katy heading to the back private rooms. A flood of sadness overwhelmed me. I looked back to mystery girl dancing, and I pulled her in closer. We were like that for a while, her pressing her hips into me, her arms still dancing to the music. I leaned in to kiss her, my hands moving up and down the back of her dress. Her lips were rough, and eager. It was nothing like Phil's soft passionate kiss, that warmed you on the inside and made you feel loved. Phil. I had to stop thinking about him. He was not mine anymore. I had to stop thinking about him. I pressed even harder into this girls arms, her tongue wrapped around mine. She pulled out of the kiss and whispered into my ear, "Can I come home with you?'' Panic rose through out my body. I guess I expected this, but was I ready? I thought of Phil again, taking Katy to the back rooms. He was clearly over us, so why wasn't I? I hesitated before whispering back into her ear, "Of course.". I wrapped my arm around her waist, guiding her towards the front exit. We pushed through the front doors then stood on the curb, trying to flag down a cab. I pulled out my phone and sent a quick text to Phil.
I'm heading home.
I tucked my phone back into my pocket and hopped into the cab. I slid in next to the girl, our bodies pressed next to eachother. After giving the cabbie instructions of where to go, the girl found my lips again and pressed my against the taxi window. I was embarassed, I didn't like to do this sort of thing in public, especially in the back of a cab. Desperate to hold her off until we got to the loft, I interjected "What's your name?" She stopped kissing my neck and looked at me confused but answered anyway. "Sara" She moved to continue kissing me but I quickly spoke again. "Thats a really pretty name, sara." She tilted her head, clearly confused. "Thanks." She leaned her head on my shoulder and rested while we waited to get to my loft. The cab pulled into the curb, I payed him and we stepped out and went up the stairs. Each step I grew more and more anxious. Was this really a good idea? Can I handle meaningless sex? I slowed down my pace and began to panic. I shouldn't have done this. I should of just gone home alone. This isn't a good way to take care of my feelings. "Um, are you going to open the door?" Oh god I was sanding in front of the door doing nothing. "Oh yea, sorry." I awkwardly struggled with the keys, my hands shaking as I tried hopelessly to open the door. On my fourth try, I got the right key and opened the door. I let her in first then came in and closed the door behind us. She turned and hesitated before leaning in and started to kiss me down my neck. Okay this was happening. There was no going back now. Maybe this was all I needed. I began to kiss her back, pushing my weight against her. We started to move towards my bedroom, bumping into furniture and occasionally stepping on each others feet. We made it into the bedroom and she pushed me down unto the bed. She crawled on top of me and started to pull off my shirt. I wrapped my arms around her waist, and kissed her lips. She pressed back, but then continued to remove my shirt. After pulling it off, she left a trail of kisses across my stomach. It was all wrong. I wanted this too be Phil, I wanted it to be him playing with my pants button. I rolled to my side and brought her into a hug. She tried to move to take her own shirt off but I hugged her tighter. "Take off my dress..." she whispered and started to chew on my shoulder. "I-I want to, but I-uh-I don't think I can." "It's just a zipper at the back" She started to pull my pants down. "No, its that, I mean, do you want to watch a movie?" "What?" She looked at me almost on the verge of tears. "It's not you, it's just that I am very confused with my feelings for another person right now and I thought this would help me but I just don't know anymore..." She stared at me and sighed. "First one night stand?" "Yea, I'm really sorry, do you think we could uhh, just sleep?" She looked at me for a long time before nodding and she just curled into my side and fell asleep. So I stayed like that, my arm wrapped around this beautiful, understanding, girl Sara, confused and afraid for my future.
