Saudade

Chapter 13

My head rested on Harry’s shoulder late that night. Lux lay on his chest, cheeks red and eyes closed. Her little mouth hung open and tiny snores made it clear she wasn’t waking up until morning. The movie we’d been watching played silently in front of us, an animated couple singing an unheard song. Lux shifted a little and let out a long sigh, and Harry beamed at her.

“I can’t believe how good you are with kids,” I commented softly, running a finger nail across black ink ‘things I can.’

“I don’t know why I am,” he confessed. He put one of his large hands on Lux’s back and rubbing gentle circles. “I didn’t really realize it until she was born.”

“You two have something special.”

“Like I said, it’s been that way since she was born. I’ve just always cared about her. You’re good with her, too,” he told me, smiling. “Do you want kids?” It was an easy question for him, but it was an exact echo of the way things had fallen apart with Spencer. My heart rate picked up and my stomach clenched, the unforgiving tendencies of anxiety always residing somewhere within me.

“I don’t really know,” I bit my lip, still speaking softly. “I want to live my life first…you know? I don’t want to have kids when I’m still unsure about myself. I think that’s the worst thing you can do for a kid; have your own issues that you need to work out…you don’t even know what life is about and then you bring someone else into it.”

“That makes a lot of sense.”

“Do you want kids, Harry?” I desperately prayed this wasn’t another make or break moment. Genuine fear crept through my veins as I awaited his reply. My heart pounded against my ribs and I tried to control my breathing. My fingers trembled slightly, sweat gathering in my palms and my mind racing as I tried to ignore the painful memories this question forced into my mind. More than anything, I tried to trust that he wouldn’t.

“Yeah,” he nodded. “I do, but I’m not in a hurry.” A loud ring tone disrupted our conversation, and Harry made for his phone with haste and surprising amounts of grace to ensure Lux wouldn’t wake. She stayed sound asleep as he answered the phone and chatted quietly. There were a lot of ‘yeah’ and ‘I know’s’ and he grinned the entire time. He finished with ‘I know, mum. I’ll talk to her. I love you too.’ I turned myself to face him, my legs stretched out and feet near his thighs. He tossed the phone aside and smiled at me.

“Your mom?” I asked, sitting on my hands. I had a sudden urge to bite my nails, even though I hadn’t in years.

“Yeah, she saw us on a few magazine covers,” he chuckled, “I’ve told her about you but she says she wants to meet you and get to know you. If you want to meet her, that is.” He smiled a toothless smile, a bit shy, but his tone made it clear this was important to him. Here we were, only a month in, just as things had been with Spencer. But I looked over at him, his hair gone curly from running through rain on our way in, with one of Ed’s + hoodies on, and holding Lux so easily against his chest, at first I could only nod.

                “I would love to meet your mom, Harry.” His face split into radiating delight, and with a swift motion he pulled me into a kiss, keeping Lux asleep the entire time.

                “I- you’re the best, Ryann.” We heard a distinctive knock at the door and he stood, still cuddling a sleeping Lux at his chest. Lou stood on the porch, hair matted from the rain, and I watched Harry pass Lux off to her. Lux’s entire body went limp, as if she knew she was back in her mother’s arms. Lou thanked Harry profusely before giving him a kiss on the cheek. “Her gifts should be at home waiting for her,” Harry assured, mindlessly playing with the door handle. Lou thanked him another time before Harry bent down and put a quick kiss on Lux’s forehead, and as he began to shut the door Lou managed to poke her head through.