If the Fates Allow

12:50pm, St. Timothy's Church

Maxie should have gone to the hospital. It was where almost every instinct told her she should be. But a stronger instinct kept her from running after Dr. Obrecht to see Nathan. Instead, she sat paralyzed at his desk for a time trying to make sense of it all, the words still echoing in her ears.

"Detective West was taken to General Hospital by ambulance for treatment....gunshot wound."

She was scared. Hadn't she grown up with Mac's stories of cops getting hurt on the job? She knew the danger involved in police work. She'd witnessed it firsthand many times. The memories of Jesse and Coop fought to the surface reminding her how quickly violence could come and take a life. She stifled a sob for them both and for Nathan too.

She did want to run to him and make sure he was all right. But there was that fear of what she would find when she got to him. It was the fear that kept her from running straight to the hospital. Instead, she found herself in a daze walking in the opposite direction towards the park and St. Timothy's. She sat in the church staring at the altar, alternating between prayer and worry.

A light hand on her shoulder startled her. She let out a small cry of surprise and turned quickly.

"Maxie? I'm sorry." Patrick Drake jerked his hand back from her shoulder and stepped back. "I didn't mean to startle you."

Maxie took a deep breath. "Patrick. It's okay. I didn't know anyone was here."

"I just got here." He sat next to her in the pew. "What about you? How long have you been here?"

Maxie frowned. "I don't know. What time is it? Doesn't matter." She took a breath, trying to sound normal. "What are you doing here?"

"Came to light a candle for Gabriel."

She slipped a comforting hand into his. "I'll light one for him too."

"Thank you. That means a lot."

They fell into a comfortable silence while both sent a small prayer for baby Gabriel. She wished Patrick could have had his son with him for the holidays like she had Georgie. But there was no one who could bring Gabriel back for him. He gave her hand a light squeeze in thanks and let go.

"So, I heard you had a special visitor on Christmas Eve," he said.

"Mac told you?"

Patrick nodded. "I think I have about fifty texts from him all with pictures of you and Georgie. You looked very happy."

"I was." She smiled back at him. "It was the best gift I could have gotten from anyone."

"Spinelli?"

"A little. It wasn't his idea but he did agree to it." Patrick raised his eyebrows in a silent question. "It was Nathan. He did all of it."

"Ah, the roommate. I've only spoken to him a couple of times, but he seems like a good guy," Patrick said kindly.

"He is." She looked down at her lap, realizing for the first time that she had carried Nathan's jacket with her. She smoothed it down, taking some comfort from it. "He called Spinelli and convinced him to reconsider his Christmas Eve plans just so I could see Georgie. When I got there, he was holding Georgie by a Christmas tree that he put up and I thought my heart was going to burst from joy." She looked up at Patrick and smiled sadly. "And then he left for work because the custody judge doesn't think Nathan is a good influence on me or Georgie."

"Well, that seems arbitrary."

"It is. Nathan has been nothing but good to me. He didn't deserve to be shut out of my life," Maxie added. She sighed heavily. "It doesn't matter anymore."

"What? Why not?"

She stared straight ahead, trying to say aloud what she had been afraid of all day. "I went to see him this morning at the PCPD. He was out on a call but one of the other policemen told me had been taken to the hospital for a gunshot wound."

Patrick reached for her hand again. "Maxie, I'm so sorry," he murmured.

"I couldn't go to the hospital Patrick. I should have gone right away but I couldn't. I don't know if he's alive or-" She stopped, unwilling to say the word. "I couldn't go," she repeated. "I watched Jesse die and then Georgie and Coop. I can't do it any more, Patrick. I'm scared."

"Maxie, I was at the hospital all morning and I never heard anything about a gunshot wound in the ER," Patrick told her reassuringly. "I'm sure he's fine but if you want, I could call the hospital and find out how he is for you." Maxie nodded briefly as Patrick got to his feet. "I left my phone in the car. I'll be right back," he said leaving her alone in the quiet church.

Maybe Patrick was right. Maybe Nathan was alright after all. But then, if he was okay and she hadn't bothered to go to the hospital herself, what did that say about her? She was ashamed of herself for letting Patrick do this for her. If she were at all worthy of Nathan she would be there right now. Obrecht was right about her. Nathan deserved so much more than that. More than her and more than her crippling fear. There was one thing that Maxie knew for sure. She certainly didn't deserve him.