Ya Know, Just Another Public Digital Diary

Alaina -_-

Here's what happened:
So I walk into band, looking forward to seeing my friends, and my friend 'Alaina', the first thing she does when I see her, she says, "Wow 'Linzy' you look like you got hit by a bus!"

Me: "Umm ok that was rude what the hell"  (thinking she's joking or didn't mean to be rude)

Her: "Well you do.  Your hair, face, clothes, everything, you look terrible."
ok at this point she wasn't even smiling. like at all.  Alaina ALWAYS smiles.

Me:  (WTF WHEN DID THIS BIACH EAT MY FRIEND?)
"First of all, if somebody looks bad, you say 'oh are you tired, you look kinda rumpled' or something.  Second of all, why would you say that!?"

Her: "Well I just wanted to let you know"

WHAT THE ACTUAL FRICK that's not a defense or an apology!

And she would classify herself as 'emo' personally I hate that label, but she wears thick eyeliner and mascara that gets all over her face cuz for pete's sake we're in eighth grade you don't need to put gallons on your eyes gawd.   and she's a bit overweight, like barely but still you could say she's not the epitome of beauty.

I think she is absolutely beautiful in her own way, and I love her outgoing personality.
But still she ain't no flawless model.
Neither am I! 
And then later after I frantically tried to look better by fixing my hair and clothes as much as possible in the bathroom and being late to class cuz I didn't want to cry or something, she saw me later and was like acting like nothing happened.  When I mentioned it she said, "oh you look better now."
Yeah, because I need your opinion on how I look, and your approval to feel good about myself.
SYKE

Why would anyone feel the need to say that!?  Look I know I'm not pretty.  I've gotten over that.  There was a time not too long ago where I couldn't accept my body, and made bad choices as a result.  Now, I realized I needed to change my mind, not my body, to truly be beautiful.  Recently I've been a lot better.

Then this happens.
Her words should not have hurt me as much as they did.  But they did.  And something needs to change. 

This has been going on subtly for a long time, if I really think back, probably for three years: sixth, seventh, and eighth grade.  We were friends, Alaina and I, and I really enjoyed her company.  She told hilarious dirty jokes, introduced me to Dan and Phil, MCR, P!ATD, Sleeping with Sirens, Green Day (lol those are mostly bands XD), and gave me lots of movie suggestions, most rated R but still appropriate, ya know.  I really admired her never-ending sense of self, like she knew who she wanted to be and no one could get in her way.  She didn't care if people didn't like her, but if someone insulted her multiple fandoms, whoa boy better put on a welding mask cause it's about to get lit.
But there was always something underneath that I could never quite put my finger on.  (stop thinking dirty thoughts lmao).
In February last year, I went through a really weird time of my life.  I had this HUGE crush on a guy in my youth group, and it could never work out but anyway I got over it mostly.  He graduates this year that'll help. 🙂
All my friends were turning away and letting me down.  Alaina and Megan always hung out because Alaina was clingy, and Erena was being really weird and secluded, like she was too cool for me.  I felt like an outcast, like I'd never be loved or accepted anywhere I went.

Alaina was the worst.  She made small comments, like I don't even know, but subtly enough that I thought I was being selfish and paranoid, but her words still cut deep.  I stopped reading because I didn't want to be that 'lame nerdy girl'.  I stopped talking at the lunch table because I felt like an innocent dweeb who didn't get sex jokes and had never seen/heard of that movie/song/tv show/band/anything.  I closed off and shut down.  Things went from almost bad to the worst ever.  Until things happened and somebody showed up and gave me something to look forward to in life.  And I forgave Alaina, figuring it was all in my head anyway.

Now it's happening again.
And I really really don't want it to.