Ya Know, Just Another Public Digital Diary

12/01/16

brain barf- I don't know, just had to let some stuff out.  and yeah, I posted it.  yolo.

It seems like I don't have feelings.  I don't get it what's wrong with me?  People ask me how I'm doing and I honestly don't know.  I'm not depressed, or bipolar, or anything, I'm pretty sure... I would know, right?  I'd be able to tell.  I'm not suddenly sad for no reason, or for a prolonged period of time, and generally I'm a happy girl.  But I don't know, lately it seems like every smile is a lie, every laugh is fake, eveything I do is just... not me.  And I can't tell if it's just me growing up into a more reserved person, or my friends treating me like I live under a rock, or my stress -which is really bad and getting worse- or the fact I haven't slept for more than 5 hours for three weeks, or that I'm dehydrated, or sick, or a combination of those things, or all of them, or what.  (I probably won't post this.  Whatever.)  I don't have a favorite subject, and when people ask me how I'm liking school, I don't know what to say.  All I know is that it isn't good, amd whatever the reason may be, it has to change.  I might burn out.  I can't afford to burn out.  I've gotta get straight A's and not get sick and not lose friends and get skinnier and not lose myself in the process.  But I think, while I am achieving all of the former things, I forgot about the latter.  I think I lost myself. I can't even walk right, I'm second guessing every step.

The only, and I mean only time I feel 100% me, is when I am sitting in front of the piano, my fingers flying across the keys, my own story playing itself out, straight from my heart.  I suck at singing, but man oh man, piano makes me truly happy.  Probably too much. 

I think sometimes I'm getting... addicted.  Maybe.  To playing piano.  I know, it's crazy, and ridiculous, but during school, if I have a particularly beautiful/catchy/special tune in my head from one of my songs, I wish so badly that I was at home, I almost pull up the piano app on my IPad.  The first thing I do when I get home is run right to the piano.  I don't take off my coat.  I don't set down my backpack.  I don't talk to my mother or go to the bathroom or get a snack, even if I'm starving.  (Well, I probably wouldn't anyway, but that's another subject 😉).  The point is, by the time I get home, the urge to play is so strong, I won't- nay, can't- do anything else first.  Sometimes I'll play up to about an hour, depending on my mood.  As soon as I'm done, though, all the energy is gone and all I want to do is sleep for eight hours.  Wow, eight hours sounds like heaven right now.

Here's how it goes:
Everyone's life revolves around something.  Family, School, Job, Religion, Survival, Money, anything.  I'm not here to say what shouldn't be the focal point of your life, but I do know that
a. it'll be something you at least like, if not love,
b. it will benefit you
c. attainable
d. it is not turning you into a stress-mess.
For example, let's say family was your life's focal point.  a. You obviously like it.  b. It benefits you, makes you happy, helps you live.  Duh.  c. Attainable: Family is not hard for you to tap into, you can fall into it as easily as your bed the first night after a long vacation away from home.  d.  Family is supporting you, lifting you up, not tearing you down and stressing you out.
Does that make sense?  Of course it's not foolproof, but the thing your life revolves around should fulfill at least three/four of those things, two in some cases.  I think this is what's wrong with me: I either 1. don't know my life's focal point, or 2. it is NOT  a good one to have. Let's see:

School: a. don't like it 👎
b. it will benefit me, if I don't burn out 👍👎👍
c. perfection is not attainable on any accounts, and as that is what I strive for in school, 👎
d.  Are you kidding, 98% of my stress is from school! 👎
no way, terrible focal point, or fix it up and keep it

Family: see above, it's basically the same.  I have a good relationship with my family
However, I don't know if it's my focal point.

Religion: Now I know this should be my focal point, but it isn't.  Sorry, Jesus.
a.  I'm suPPOSED to... again I don't know my own feelings anymore...
b.well yes, after I die
c. not attainable to the extent which I am going for.
d. well, does overwhelming guilt count?

whatever.
hmmm... there is one thing it could be...but it seems pretty extreme.
The boy. [ooh, the boy, omg she's in love!] HAHAHAHA no. I mean, well, it's a very long story. One I should probably write out for when I look back at this 20 years from now.
It's either that or the severely low levels of iron in my body (cause uh how to say this, I've been blessed by the "female fairy" for going on three weeks now... yeah it is what you think it is.)

...

and there goes my train of thought. whelp here goes. No weird comments like 'ummm ok then' please. um yeah. so

*publish*