Sometimes you just can't help falling for somebody. Sometimes, you know that it isn't going to end well. You know that they are going to break you into a million pieces and let you get away. But you fall for them anyways. Because we think that maybe this time, it'll be different. Maybe this time, they will actually care.
~~
I'm not quite sure when I fell in love with you. I don't remember if it was instantaneously. Maybe it was all at once, like ripping off a bandaid. Or maybe it was slowly, like falling asleep. I don't know. But the point is that I fell. I fell and when I fell nothing hurt. At first. But I don't want to talk about the ending. I want to talk about the moments when I was in love and when you made me think you were in love. Because those are the moments I will always remember when I'm up at five a.m. without sleeping at all.
I'm talking about when you made me laugh. That very first time. Do you remember that? You didn't even say something that funny, but I laughed. And then you laughed. I remember that. And after you made me laugh once, you kept making me laugh many times after. Then you would say stupid things just to make me laugh. You said my laugh was cute, and that you liked hearing it. Then you started brushing my hair away from my face. You said it was because you couldn't see my eyes, and you thought they were beautiful. So you would do that. You'd reach over and push my hair away so you could look at my eyes. Then you held my hand. At all times. You said my hand was soft. And it was always cold so you always had to hold one of my hands in both of yours to warm them up. Then you started giving me your sweaters. Because you liked the way your clothes looked on me.
But then what happened? When did my laugh suddenly change into an irritating sound? When did it stop making you smile and start making you cringe? Why did you stop wanting to look at my eyes? Was it because you didn't like the color anymore, or was it because you couldn't stand to see your tiny reflection in them, knowing what you were going to do? Why did you quit holding my hand? When did you decide that you didn't want to feel my touch anymore? Or did you just figure they'd always stay cold, and should just stay cold? When did you look at me and realize that your clothes no longer look cute on me and instead, looked unflattering? I wish I had known when or at least why.
~~
Every "I love you" that you ever said seems so false. Almost like you felt as if you had to say it. Like lines rehearsed for a play, you don't say it because you want to, but because its what is there. Like when you present to the class and everything you say was practiced because you have to say it. That is what your I love you's were like. It wasn't the way it was supposed to be said. It wasn't in the way I said it. Because I needed you. It was like you were my air and you were my heart and you helped me to breathe. Like you helped me live. And I didn't say it out of habit. I said it because I truly felt it.
Isn't it funny how we waste so many words on people? How we fall in love with multiple people but when you think about it, we were never really in love. We just thought we were. And we kept living, thinking that we were in love with these people. When we weren't. We were just wasting words and time and feelings. Because they turned out to not be the one. But we got up and dusted ourselves off and continued the cycle of falling in love but not really. Its almost like we were tripping in love. Like that feeling when you are about to fall but you don't. That's what we were doing. We were tripping. And then we get up and see someone else and we trip again. But we never really fall.
