Was // mfz

9

Skip to Saturday
Mackenzie's P.O.V
There was no competition today, I didn't bother to ask. It's not like I cared anyways. Just about four to five months and I'm leaving to L.A. I sighed and curled up into a ball.

I can't believe my life went down hill like this. I stuck my earbuds in my ears and just listened to music as I thought about life. Then a song came on.

His Daughter.

It was a song, that said so much. I turned the volume up. I liked the song because it's not like songs today. As in dancing, twerking, sex, dating, or anything like that.

(Video Up There 👆🏼)

I softly sung the song and I wiped away the tears that ran down my face. It was about 1:40 P.M.

I sighed as this song was about to finish. It was one of my favorite songs, I'm not into pop as in Fetty Wap, Fifth Harmony, Five Seconds of Summer, or anything like that but they're alright.

I used to be, when I wasn't depressed and lonely. When life was good, as in before dance moms. I haven't eaten anything and my stomach is roaring in hunger, I simply ignored it.

My mom and Maddie went somewhere, I could honestly care less.

"99 Years Old. She grabbed her sons hand and said 'There's something you must know. There is a God up there, who heard my prayers. I was lost and afraid. I had no where else to go, I had no clue what to do. Then he sent me you. So if you're lost and afraid and you feel so alone. Don't worry child."

I softly sang remembering that part of the song. I was alone. Just alone in this room. The only thing I could hear is my music running through my ears. That's when it's most scary for me. No reading, anything. My mind wanders around and finds the scariest things. My suicidal thoughts get harder to ignore. My 'what ifs' become longer and add more.

What's happening?

I want to be the little girl who enjoyed going to dance and dancing. The one who loved life and loved it to the fullest. Not me. A fuck up. A girl who barely even knows if she's alive.

Mackenzie Ziegler.

Some people feel bad for me, I don't need their pity. I want my life back. I want my happy life back. My life where the razors wasn't there waiting for me to slice it across my skin. When I enjoyed going to dance and school. When I wasn't depressed and had anxiety attacks. When I wasn't bullied.

I miss that. Where did it go?

Into a black pit hole, where it will never come back. I know that now. I'll always be a fuck up, that'll never change.

Mackenzie Ziegler.

Who the fuck is that? Last time I checked I'm Maddie's little sister. The sister of the famous girl who was in Sia's music video. That's the only reason people know me. I accept it. It hurts though. I'll never be known for my achievements.

No one will ever find out. Hide being a fake smile, no one can see through me. One day, I'll be gone. The elephant in the room will be gone, a weight off everyone's shoulders will be gone too. Maddie and my mom barely pay attention to me, I just want to be with them.

I miss them. I miss my family. I miss when we'd be all sitting together at dinner laughing and talking. I miss Maddie's pep talks, they weren't the best, but she was there. She was there for me. I feel like everyone left, and will never come back. Help me, I need help.

I want to be the girl I was before. Help me.