Terrible Things

February 8, 2016

I will never delete this because it's a part of my journey; how I feel. Maybe you can relate, maybe you can't.

I want to inspire people. I want to be there for people. I want to try and accomplish things. But for some reason still unknown to me, it's all for nothing. Some things will mean things to others, some will be a mere passing. Am I giving up? Maybe. Do I still want to hold on and show people it's worth the fight? Yes. Emotional posts are posted all the time, but whoever reads them long enough to really relate?

I'm beginning to care less even though I should care more. I don't like people to worry about me, I don't want people to feel sorry for me. But neither do I want people to encourage me.

Depression is real. I've seen it. Felt it. Dealt with it. I don't care anymore. I feel like those hopes I've had are dead. Yet, hope is all I have. I feel like I'm standing in a crowded room, yet, I might as well stand in a dark room -- making myself believe that I'm not alone: God's with me. I feel that I'm an example to people: people who look up to me or people who are so self-absorbed they don't give a crap. I want to be stronger than I feel and fight to the other side.

I've been told I need to see someone. I've been told to do something to change my situation. I shouldn't post this because people I know will see this. This isn't professional. This isn't a cry for help, I don't want it to be. Just pretend everything's fine because people go through this everyday. I'll be alright.

Don't tell me I'm beautiful. Don't tell me I'm talented. Don't tell me to have faith. Don't tell me things I know because those don't matter. They don't matter in the big picture. You meet people and you lose people. Maybe I'm the person you could lose and be fine without.

If you told me to get over myself, don't write this kind of thing, I can do that. If you tell me fine, whatever, be stuck, I can do that. If you tell me you're the only one who can fix your life, don't let other people dictate your life, I can do that. I'm tired of supporting the broken while being strong. I'm tired of feeling like I think about myself, but I don't want to think about others.

It could be worse.

Funny enough, while others want to be seen-- I want to be invisible. I can't do this alone, yet, I don't want anyone anymore.