Terrible Things

February 11, 2016

The last submissions were written from my heart. So is this. I was hesitant to include this part, but what's a story without a happy ending?

On Tuesday 8th, I had planned to commit suicide. I texted and left voicemails to my closest friends, telling them my last thoughts, stating 'I need sometime alone' or 'I won't be calling you for awhile'. As I was driving home from work, I decided on where and which bridge in Winston I would jump off of and I convinced myself this: all my life I never made a true decision for myself, taking my life would be my one and only chance to be fully in control.

The lies I believed were: I'm not good enough. I didn't try hard enough. I'm actually not that worthwhile. I'm not important. Everything was temporary. God's love is temporary. God's selective in His love. God's ignoring me. God's a killjoy. God's a liar. God doesn't want me to be content. God doesn't know what's good for me.

I believed those because they were EASY.

Here's the thing. I'd rather go through heartache, pain, patience, tears, and wonderment with God, then be empty, angry, anxious, and wilful without Him.

I didn't learn how to be a better Christian. I learned that there's no black and white in God's world. Being with Him means safety, assurance, clarity, and risks. Without Him causes confusion, severe mistakes, and deep loneliness.

I almost killed myself. I was willing to do that. I didn't care who it hurt in the process, just as long as it ended my hurt.

But God saves. He intervened when I did not want Him to. He placed people in my life at that critical moment to be my guardian angels. He sees you and me for a purpose way beyond what our finite minds can see. We can only live in the moment, but God knows before, now, and beyond.

I'm sharing this because I'm a victim of chronic depression. I'm a victim of addiction. I'm a victim of confusion and a victim of sexual identity. I'm a victim of pride. I'm a victim of waywardness. I'm a victim of narcissism and failure.

BUT OUR GOD IS GOOD. POWERFUL. RIGHTEOUS. REDEEMING. HE SEES YOU. HE NOTICES YOU. He's the simple in the confusion. The light in the dark. The truth in the lie. The whisper in the screams.

You sacrifice what you want and what you love to risk the love of a Saviour who knows you by name.