just a school project || a hs phan au

Chapter 17

"Then why do you tell people that?" Dan asks. He tries to keep his voice calm, but Phil is annoying him. Maybe it's not Phil's fault, but Dan doesn't have anyone else to blame. At most, maybe he can blame himself for falling for this boy. The same boy who tells people he likes Dan for sex and tells Dan he likes him for other reasons.

"You know why."

"No," Dan shakes his head. He looks back up at Phil. "For your reputation, I know. But why do you give a shit? Aren't you the same Phil Lester who doesn't give a shit what people think? Then why do you care what they think about this? About me, and what people think of us?"

Phil sighs. He just stares at Dan for a moment before speaking. "I don't know."

"I'm not accepting that answer. I mean, if you're using me for sex go ahead and tell me. It's probably better for me to know. At least I won't get my hopes up, you know."

"No, that's not it. I'm not using you for sex, unfortunately. It would have been easier if I were. Fine, maybe I do care a bit what people think. All I have is my reputation. You have your grades. You're going to have a great life. For me? This is it. I'm probably peaking while having fun having sex and smoking. It's sad, isn't it? But this is all I've got. I have to do this or I have nothing else."

Phil lets out a short laugh, but to Dan he almost seems bitter about it. Almost disappointed, but only at himself.

"It doesn't have to be like that," Dan protests.

"It does. You don't get it, do you? I can't study like you. I can't learn like you, no matter how hard you try. I can't do anything but try and protect my image."

"Your image is shit, Phil," Dan answers harshly. "Do you want to be known as a boy who spent the best years of his life partying, hooking up with strangers, or doing drugs?"

"I want to be known as someone different," Phil says. "Not some kid they see in the hallway. If this is what I have to do, it's all I've got. Even if this never happened, you would recognize me. I know people do, and I'm not going to pretend I don't know. People know who I am."

"You can't just lie to people like that. What'd be wrong for liking me like that?" Dan blushes for a second. It feels strange to actually point out the possibility that Phil could like him for anything more than a sex doll. "If you do."

"I do. That's a problem. It gets in the way of everything. Instead of going out and fucking the first slut I see, I don't want to anymore. I want you. Sexually or not. Sometimes I want you to just be there, is that weird? I haven't felt like this since, like, primary school."

"It's not weird," Dan shakes his head. "Most people do that. It's okay. Some people just don't feel it as often as others, and that's normal as well. The same way some people like sex and some people don't. Some people just feel romantic attraction more or less."

"It's weird. I don't like it," Phil says. "You're a sweet boy, you know."

"That's not what people tend to call me."

Instead of answering at first, Phil leans over to kiss Dan's forehead. Dan blushes for a few moments at the gesture, and how not Phil-like it was.

"You are. You're not an asshole like most people around this school. You see good in everyone."

"That's not true. I hated you. I didn't want to like you," Dan admits. He still doesn't want to like Phil. Yet, he does. 

"But you did." Phil pauses a moment before correcting himself. "But you do." 

It takes a second, but Dan has to slowly break into a grin, staring back at Phil. And when Phil smiles, not smirks, Dan sometimes thinks he's a completely different Phil than the one that everyone else knows. He can't stop the happy feeling in his stomach, and it's new but it's beautiful at the same time.