my souls escape

The monster within

I think back to the days when I was nothing but a mere child. How easier everything seemed to be, I was surrounded with people that loved me forwho I was . I am older now, no longer the sweet chubby faced girl I use to be.My biggest enemies now are the mirror and scale, no longer am I filled withthe happiness I had as a child. Don't get me wrong , I still have the same loving family It's just me.....

I grew up like any other girl in today's society, looking up too the people in magazines. I always noticed their flat stomachs, perfect lips and smiles, these people where flawless. I looked in the mirror , I was 15 I realized how fat my stomach was , my skin was splotchy I looked hideous . How can anyone ever want to go out with some one like me? All these questions that tormented me daily , always the same . Your not good enough, I was the only one who thought this so it seemed. I noticed the boys liked the skinny girls not the ones who looked like me . I never noticed the one who liked me for me .

This is when my life took a turn for the worst , I was in a war against myself. I continued on as if nothing was wrong, I hid behind walls of confidence. High schoolwas great in the friend department, I was never friendless just no self-esteem , the magazines and T.V ruined my self image in the blink of and eye. I went to school everyday had good grades, was on the honour roll until grade 10.

The only problem I really had was everyday I'd look in the mirror andsee a monster full of imperfections. I hid behind baggy clothes and having a tomboy demeanour. No one saw the unhappiness brewing under the surface, I hid this really well from everyone around me in high school. I was on a path of destruction and not one person noticed, I fell through the cracks.

You ask anyone of my friends they will tell you of a great friend, who was always there no matter what. I started to avoid the mirror and scale all together, my only salvation was turning to drugs and alcohol . I had this perfect facade going until my grade 10 year, everything became so much worse with the death of my cousin. We where the same age , she was only 2 months younger than I was , we where supposed to grow old together , graduate, all gone so fast. You would assume that her dying by alcohol poising would deter me away , it did for a while until I looked in the mirror. Why not me ? She had so much more going for her. I started to drink more, smoke weed and try ecstasy . It seemed these simple things help me stop seeing the monster in the mirror.

I had so many new friends, I loved the new me , the one who wasn't so shy anymore. I didn't notice the drastic weight loss due to drug use, only because Ididn't like what I saw before. I believed this new skinnier , care free person was awesome , for the first time in my life I felt as if I was in control. I never noticed the addictions that started to have a hold of me .I drank everyday but Monday and Tuesday, I started to do drugs just to get me through the day. I was getting dizzy spells, and not getting enough sleep. The monster in the mirror had all but disappeared .

I never for one moment thought I had a problem, I was still in school with good grades. I had a lot of friends , so I thought, blacking out on weekends became the normal. These drugs had more control of my life than I even began to believe....

I think I had binged for two weeks straight; doing lines of coke, popping caps of ecstasy , drinking all day. My life had become one big party, school was still there to keep me grounded. I went everyday still trying to out run these new monsters that had control of my life , without me even realizing it was happening. My grades had dropped, I was only attending half my classes in my mind though my grades where okay I was still passing. I went on like this all of my grade 10 year progressively getting worse as the time went on , grade 11 and 12where the same. My life had started to some crashing down , no longer did these things make me happy. I began seeing the monster in the mirror again...

She crept back in when I was coming down from my high, when ever I was having a bad day. This monster mocked me , proving I couldn't hid from her forever. Thisis when I had found cutting, It gave me control over everything again. I could control ; how much I bleed, how deep the cut, how much pain could I really handle. This new high I felt, I hid this from everyone who cared for me as a person , not just a buddy to get high with. Did I leave the drugs behind you ask? I couldn't , all these things I considered apart of the new me . The monster was put on the back burner once again, not there to haunt me . I never realized all my friends where drifting away from me slowly, How blind I was to the sad looking person in the mirror.

I wasn't able too see myself for the happy, great friend everyone else had seen me for. Slowly I started to realize it was never the drugs and alcohol that made everyone love me . I was too consumed in this lifestyle, I started to lose the real me . I argued with my mother daily , I was always angry no one could see all the pain I truly hid. These images burned in to my mind that I was fat, ugly, no one would ever want me . I was wrapped in self loathing and such a self hate , I didn't think my acting could go one forever, I wasn't that good of and actress was I ? I started to look at myself more , I began to notice my problems. I really was on my way to realizingI wasn't the monster I thought I saw. These magazines and T.V shows lied to me when I was younger.

My new outlet for everything became poetry and listening to music. I let my mom in for the first time since I was 15. I was 19 when I found out about my problems, 4 years of absolute agony. All this only because i couldn't reach out for help sooner. Don't ever think you have to face your problems alone , don't wait to find out the hard way, when all you have to do is reach . All these outlets I now had helped me out of the dark phase and into a brighter era of my life.I finally noticed that I had needed help from my mom and family. Here is where I believe my life really started to take shape . These are my stories and journeys through high school and young adulthood , I hope you can take from my mistakes and help you on your own .