I was ready to jump until I saw Dillon running full speed in my direction dodging the oncoming cars. “Alex! Wait!” she yelled through the sound of honking cars.
I just wanted to leave this earth. There was no reason to keep on living. There was Dillon but I figured after I die she’ll find someone better and realize all of her precious time she wasted on me. I’m worthless. I barely talk because people shouldn’t be bothered with what I have to say. I’m antisocial because I don’t want to be a burden upon people. I should just jump before she has time to come save me.
I turned around looking down at the murky greenish water sighing. Finally, I was going to get my relief. And this time it won’t be temporary, it’ll be permanent. No more rusted razors, old lighters, or empty pill bottles to find relief in. just the sweet bliss of death’s arms wrapped around me until I’m in complete darkness completely gone from this world. These thoughts brought a bitter sweet smile to my face. I’m just one fall away from it all being over.
Just as I took one foot off the edge I felt two arms engulf me and rip me away from the edge. “Alex! Alex! Please don’t do this! You have a full life ahead of you! We can have a life together! We can get married, have kids, grow old together, and love each other! Please don’t do this! I love you more than anything here on this earth! The only thing I actually and genuinely care about is you! Don’t do it. Just please don’t do it…”Dillon trailed off at the end and broke down and soaked the shoulder my black hoodie with her tears that were mixed with eyeliner and mascara. After she was done she lifted her head and rose to her full 5’11 height which towered over my 5’6 frame. I tucked her wild blonde hair behind her and played with her multi colored extensions not saying a word. I didn’t look up at her because I felt ashamed by the fact that she had to waste her beautiful tears on me.
“Look, at me, please,” she said in a hoarse whisper. I looked up at her angelic face and saw her giant brown eyes look deep into my black ones. “When I found your letter I raced over here… baby, please! I don’t ever want to live without you. Without you, my life has no meaning. I’m nothing without you beside me.” She said. I cast my gaze downwards unable to say anything back to her statement. She just stood there and held me. She took one arm from around me and started playing with the spilt ends of my black hair.
I tried to focus on the sleeves of my hoodie which went a few inches past my fingertips to hide the secrets of my body that I wanted to hide. Like the scars and burns that ran from the tops of my shoulders to start of my wrists on both sides of each arm. How could Dillon love a girl that’s so messed up and broken? I’ll never understand what she saw in me. I only dragged her down.
“I’m…I’m just tired of all this. I don’t want to be harassed for my addiction, or for loving a woman, or for my personality, or how I look. I can’t handle it anymore. I’m just done with everything and everyone. I don’t want to live anymore. It’s not worth it. Cutting or burning or overdosing or purging or binging doesn’t do it for me anymore. I can’t take it anymore. I’m already dead on the inside, why not the outside, too?” I said to her in my timid voice still looking down.
“Don’t I make you happy? Was I not enough? Forget everyone else. We can be happy and have a life together. Don’t you want a future together?” Dillon tipped my head up searching my eyes.
“You do make me happy. You’re the best thing to ever happen to me. I do want a future with you. It’s just……It’s just. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m lost. I’m empty. I’m nothing,” I confessed to her tearing up. I never wanted to have her see this side of me. If she saw what went through my head she would have done something stupid like save me. Like she is now.
“I need you. There’s no point in living if I don’t have you. I might as well die too if you are.”
My eyes filled up with tears that slowly dripped down my face in black streaks from my thick eyeliner. “Don’t say that. You actually have a future. You have things going for you. I just drag you down,” I didn’t know if she heard what I said or not because my voiced shook with my emotions. I didn’t know what to do. Do I still go through with my suicide attempt if she’ll just kill herself too or do I continue living in a world of despair for her too live?
“But it’s true. You’re my world, Alex. You don’t drag me down. You pick me up because you motivate to be better and do better for you. For us.” she confessed.
Now I was full on crying from her poetic words. I buried my face in her chest ruining her white t-shirt.
“I love you with my whole heart and broken soul but I don’t know if I can keep on living in this cruel dark world that we share,” I whispered. She looked in my eyes to see that there was no way that she could change my mind. I was set on dying. This is what I wanted to do. Correction, what I needed to do.
“Fine,” she said with conviction, “if you’re going so am I.”
“No.”
“Yes. I told you, Alex. Without you there is no me.”
She grabbed my hand, intertwined our fingers together, and we both stepped onto the ledge. I looked at her and she nodded. We jumped. She pulled me to her and kissed me with all the passion she could muster and I kissed her back full force. Even when we both hit the freezing water we didn’t let go of each other. Even when we were both struggling for air we still held each other’s hands. Even when all our air left us and our lungs filled with water we stared into each other’s eyes.
As the darkness started to invade my vision from the lack of oxygen I saw the same thing happening to her. I mouthed “I love you” and before I lost consciousness I saw her mouth “forever and always”.
And then… I felt death wrap itself around us, ending our lives forever. But at least in our last moments what we saw were each other.
