Hippie Middle Kid

Entry 1

Copyright © 2016 by Tarie Krystal
All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof
may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever
without the express written permission of the publisher
except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

Hey, if you're reading this then you happen to be the lucky one, or one of the lucky ones, I don't know how this works because apparently my generation was skipped for undisclosed reasons. I'm not quite sure if I should be grateful or somewhat contemptuous, nevertheless I am doing this because I feel responsible for my traits, and I am determined to make sure that at the very least, one or two people from the third generation of the Wilsons inherit them...also because I know that you'll need this one day, Lord knows I do, because I personally think our family should come with a handbook, because it's quite.....taxing and somewhat intricate. By now you've probably noticed that I use the word 'somewhat' quite a lot, this is probably because I'm not very good at explaining myself, and people tend to get confused by what I say, but you don't need to worry about that, because I will make an effort to not be as vague as I am as possible (untypical of me) which just shows how much I am into this thing, because to be honest the idea of a Samless generation frightens me. And by Samless I mean without any of my amazing, awesome and wonderful traits. Okay so I guess introductions first right?

Well, young one. Young one? Really? I'm sorry, I don't say shit like that, it just came out (I'm supposed to be the cool aunt). Anyway I'll call you WK (Wilson Kid). Let's start over.

Hey, WK, I'm your dear cool aunt Samantha Wilson, third daughter of Debby and Eric Wilson, yeah I know, them right. Anyway for some reason my mother decided to have a freaking large family, I mean five children, why'd she need five, she could have stopped at three, and I'd be the adorable little last born daughter Sammy, but no, she just had to have one more kid and a set of twins, which made me the plain, different middle kid Sam, who is pretty cool come to think of it. If you're anything like me you're probably thinking, 'why the fuck would you put so much strain on your lady parts five times'...which is exactly (figure of speech, I didn't use those exact words, it was much worse) what I asked her when I had just understood how the human anatomy functions which was when I was about ten (I grew up to fast, courtesy of being a middle kid). So we were in Science class right, and my teacher (forgot her name, but I remember it was some long ass name) was teaching us about the human anatomy and thanks to my questions, the subject of discussion quickly escalated to reproduction. This is how it went down.

The science teacher Ms Sally, (I'll call her Sally, I'll call every female who's name I've forgotten Sally for precision) came for the lesson ten minutes into our Recess...and the lesson started ten minutes earlier. That pissed me off so bad, because

1. I hated lessons because they pretty much were a repetition (I was fucking Einstein), as I knew everything because mum had a strict study timetable for me at home ever since I was like seven.

2. I hated old people, always snorting, and laughing too long and things that weren't even funny and their stupid riddles and the yawning, which was pretty much what every teacher at my school did, even the middle aged ones.

3. I enjoyed Recess, and those ten minutes she took were somewhat precious to me, you know what you can do in ten minutes? You know how long ten minutes is to a ten year old?

So I was pissed, and I decided she needed a taste of her own medicine, I was going to avenge every single precious minute she took from me and my friends. Because I wasn't much of a 'let's do punches' kind of kid (I had a small built up) I would hit her back with intellectual inquisitions, the old ones always loathed the inquisitive ones. So I masterfully drifted from all the basic stuff she was telling us and asked

"Sorry but would you care to elaborate on the reproduction of foetuses" I asked with a sweet little voice

Having figured out what I wanted to do she responded curtly

"Elaboration is best suitable if a topic had been brought up; as far as I'm concerned no topic was brought up"

"Where do babies come from?"

Now she couldn't run away from that. Initially she resisted, but gradually gave in and gave out bits of information unaware. I knew most of it because I had once caught my parents in the act (you don't want to know how). So after school, I decided to find out from my mother just why she had five.

"Mummy?"

"Yes Sammy" (I was still Sammy)

"Why did you choose to suffer the terrible excruciating pains of labour four times?"

She stopped the car and turned back to me from her seat, and looked at me with a look of acquisition in her eyes, to say she was surprised would be a gross understatement, she was fucking gobsmacked. I don't blame her, I was ten, you don't expect your ten year old daughter who understands nothing about womanhood to be asking you such woman affiliated questions. She took in stride though (as she's quite a keeping up appearances type of person), and vaguely replied

"The more the merrier sweet pea"

I couldn't question her more because I had just been hit with the first phase of the Sammy Sam transition. I used to be Sugar, Honey, Cupcake, nougat, sweet cheeks the list is endless and countless and now I was sweet pea, if we break it down it's a vegetable which just happens to be sweet. Even the sweet veggies aren't so delightful, so I was a vegetable, legume to be precise which just happened to be sweet, a sweet legume. I had become a sweet legume, the sweet doesn't even count, I had become a legume, a fucking vegetable. Wow. And the middle kid AKA Sammy Sam transition commenced.