Here in the south, there exists no clear line between religion and oyster roasts. Both are deeply spiritual affairs. Both happen on weekends. Each is enmeshed with our culture. Each requires an essential apparatus, the Good book and the Oyster knife, respectively. Down here, virtually everyone owns one of each and while religion speculates on the existence of God, a good oyster roast offers hard evidence to prove it!
Like every other religion, there are doctrinal divisions among us oyster-eaters. Some take them lightly steamed, while others insist they be well done. A radical fringe slurps them raw from the shell! Some insist that cocktail sauce and horse radish are the sole sacred condiments, but a stubborn faction holds drawn butter to be absolutely essential. There are border disputes too! In North Carolina, those Yankees hire shuckers to open the shells! Here in the true south, however, gentlepersons crack their own.
When the “R-months” roll ‘round, local clusters pile up by the sandy bushel on Shem Creek. Some of my fondest memories are of walking those weathered planks with my Dad. We often steamed oysters with family and friends. The skillful opening of the shells, the perfectly salt-sea taste, the life-affirming digging in … I love everything about it!
So when came the opportunity to shuck and suck au naturale, I RSVPed in the affirmative and packed my knife, glove and strappy sandals. Naked oysters! What could be more fun?
I invited my not-a-nudist-but-considering-it girlfriend; we’ll call her “Diana.” From the get-go, she referred to the nude oyster roast as “Aphrodisiac Central.”
Like the legendary Casanova, who downed 50 per day to maintain his prolific sex drive, Diana easily accepts that oysters enhance one’s libido. In 2005, a team of American and Italian scientists proved her right and announced that oysters were rich in rare amino acids D-aspartic acid and N-methyl-D-aspartate, proven to increase sex drive, particularly in the fairer sex.
Diana and I arrived at the host resort and, after renting a roof for the night, dutifully obeyed their “nudity required” policy. To no shortage of appreciative onlookers, we strolled to their clubhouse in the late afternoon sun. It was Diana’s first-ever sashay sans textiles and she quietly confided her self-consciousness as we walked along. “Stop worrying,” I teased, “After a few oysters, you’ll LOVE it!”
We paused outside of the clubhouse and watched naked-man-handling two large cookers which churned out piles of steaming shells. Inside, nudists happily hovered over small tables and joyfully devoured the creatures. One table made an open spot and waved us over. I slipped on my glove and pryed open my first. Tasty, tasty, tasty! These nudists put a mean scald on some mollusks! Some sweet angel set two ice cold beers before us and soon, I was lost in the reverie of the salty delicacy, ever so sweetly enhanced by my state of undress.
At least part of the amorous boost associated with oysters has to be the seafood aroma and sensual silkiness on the tongue. I parted each shell with experienced skill and alternately opened some for my struggling young girlfriend, who offered further insights on the event at hand.
“It is surprisingly normal, except that everyone’s so naked” she gushed!
Social nudity electrifies every moment beyond the ordinary. Oyster roasts are a sensual feast on a proven drive-enhancing fare. The combination? Yes, there was a wonderful, other-worldliness to it that both confirms and transcends the libidinous reputation of oysters.
When finally the last of the shells were laid bare, Diana and I made the rounds to various after-parties, celebrating well into the night. Eventually we walked under the stars to our accommodations. Sects may vary among oyster aficionados, and that certain skillful parting of the shell to taste the tender morsel within may not be for everyone. For me, yes, naked oyster roasts are now a permanent feature of my winter calendar. While confirming our most ardent expectations, it also fulfilled the one pre-requisite for any repeat. Naked oysters are great fun!
Naked Oysters by Chel McDonald appeared in the Volume 5, Number 2, issue of Nusa Sun Magazine, February 2013. All rights reserved. Please feel free to friend Chel on Facebook at facebook.com/chel.mcdonald Please feel free to check out the current issue of Nusa Sun by visiting www.nusasun.com
