About The Author

Rant

I don't really want my friends to read this.. I just want to let everything out so here I go. If any words are misspelled or there isn't good punctuation than it's because I'm typing too fast and I just need to let it out. Please.. don't read this if you are my friend. I don't want you to think differently of me or hate me or anything. If you want to read go ahead. If you don't care that's fine..

Last warning.... 

Everything is building up on me and I can't take it!! Everything is closing in on me and I can't breath!!! I can't take it! Everyone expects me to do something and they always come to me! I am always glad to help but I can't do it anymore! It's suffocating me. I cry every night and the stress is building up on me. I CAN'T SLEEP I CAN'T THINK I CAN'T FEEL ANYTHING!! I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!! NO ONE IS HERE TO SAVE ME YET I ALWAYS SAVE OTHERS!! I can't do it.. I can't do it anymore. I put up walls for a reason. I stay inside my walls for a reason. You never get hurt when your alone. No can hurt you. But I'm scared... I'm so scared... I can't take it. The fake smiles the fake laughs the fake "I'm Fine" or  "I'm ok" THEY AREN'T TRUE! CAN'T YOU SEE ME CRYING! CAN'T YOU SEE ME SCREAMING! CAN'T YOU SEE ME CALLING OUT FOR HELP! HELP ME HELP ME DAMMIT!!! I CAN'T TAKE IT I CAN'T IT!!!!! I can't do it.... It's my job to save everyone.. My job to save everyone from drowning..... But what about me... I'm drowning... I can't breath.. Help me... Why can't you see past my lies... I'm sorry.... I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY I RUINED YOUR LIFE! I'M SORRY FOR BEING USELESS! I'M SORRY I COULDN'T SAVE YOU! I'M SORRY I'M PATHETIC! I'M SORRY I'M SORRY!!! I'm so sorry. What kind of monster am I? I can't save the people I love.. I can't make them happy or make them feel better... Maybe if I just disappear. If I just stayed inside my walls like I should have, would everything be ok? I hate my memories. I remember every little thing. I remember what they called me I remember what they told me. I remember when they said that I should stop laughing because it's annoying.. I remember when they said that I shouldn't talk anymore. No one cares what I have to say. They don't care.... No one does. I'm always here to fix everyones problems but no one asks about mine.. I can't tell them anything.. What is they called me a freak. What if they said i shouldn't be born. what if they hate me. just keep quiet. just keep quite.. that's what i'm suppose to do.. just keep to myself.. just let it build.. for how long? i don't know.. but who cares... i'm here to fix everyones problems and than they just throw me away.. i'm just a freak in this world.. i stare at my wrist and arm everyday.. just imagine what i could do but i don't. i  have to keep my promise. i have to.. but for how long.. i don't know what to do... i can't breath.. i'm trapped... i'm trapped and no one can save me. i had so many panic attacks today and anxiety attacks.. but no one can help me.. i write to escape. i listen to music to escape. i hate when people compare me to others. they don't know what i've been through.. they don't know what i suffered. don't compare me to yourself.. i'm just a scared person. i'm so scared.. i can't take it... i can't.

i just want to crawl back into my walls and stay there. no one can hurt me. no one can touch me. no one can blame anything on me. i have that voice to keep me company. he's nice. he protects me. he tells me what to do and who not to trust. but he's losing the battle..how much more can i take? i just wanna go into my walls and block everyone out. i can't hurt them. i know everything is my fault. i'll just crawl into those walls again and stay there. ignore everyone outside. they won't hurt us. i should do that shouldn't i? just rebuild those walls again and make sure no one can get through. no one can hurt me than right? i don't want to go back in but it's my last hope. just re-build those walls and make them thicker. just stay quite and don't listen. don't speak and don't talk. try not to care... but it wouldn't help. i care so much about my friends it hurts. i would take a bullet for them i would risk my life for them.. I can't do it.. i need to re-build those walls again... i have to.. music isn't working that much anymore but it's keeping me going.. oh look i'm crying now. i had an episode a few what... minutes hours ago.. i forgot.. i feel so pathetic right now.. i'm just going to go... goodnight.. tomorrow i have school and it sucks. i can barely feel anything... now everyone knows why i read. i read to escape everything. i write to escape the cruel world called reality... i can't breath.. everything is building up and surrounding me.. i can't pretend anymore. the fake smiles i give the fake laughs the fake everything.. the moment i start being myself everyone hates me.. i get called so many things i can't take it.. i'm here to save everyone but what about me? who is here to save me. while i save the people that are drowning who is going to save me while i'm drowning..

I'm sorry... I'm sorry for coming into your lives... I'm sorry I'm such a burden.. I can't take it... I'm just gonna hide in my walls again.. But this time.. I'm gonna make sure no one can get in...