Poisoned mind

Chapter 10

I lied today.
I wore the mask.
Everyday it is so easy to say I don't care when really society is eating me from the inside. All the lies, rumours and masks. Are any of us truly honest? We all have masks. Those girls that wear makeup, it's to hide their true identity.  Not one can honestly say they love themselves and don't want to change.
I try to be strong for others but they have to understand that at some point I'm going to have to let it out and I can't always going to be there . Then i can be strong again.  Or at least I can drink it away.
I never really open up because I don't want to be judged or rejected. That's actually quite ironic, the most popular guy in our school is scared of being rejected.
Most of the time I spend my time worrying that they'll  find someone hotter, smarter, cooler, funnier, skinnier, nicer, clearer and calmer than me.
I can get jealous which then makes me mad. What do I get jealous of I hear you ask. I'm jealous everyone else can deal with their problems without inviting the blades into their mind. Without letting the addictions deal with it instead.
With one glance I could've named a million things that made him perfect.
Cigarettes don't scare me anymore, alcohol dosent faze me me in the slightest, the blades are my best friends and sex is just another mindless person wanting to feel love for a minute, but I have spent two months without you and I realised what a real addiction feels like.
I no longer need a visual trigger, my mind does that perfectly enough.
"Don't cut"
"Here let me help"
"Just draw or scribble"
"Try to be happy"
"Are you okay"
"What's up"
"You look down"

I'm fine honestly... I just need the blades to go deeper

Tossing and turning trying to get to sleep but I find it hard to switch off when my minds working.
I wonder about things I shouldn't wonder.
I'm off the rails.
I'm sick of pretending to be so happy all the while my anxiety is eating me.
Guess it's been a while since I've been honest, I need help