internet friends | tronnor au

t h r e e

songs:
r.i.p. 2 my youth - by the neighbourhood
don't let me down - by the chainsmokers feat. daya

(A/N: trigger warning for this chapter. skip if it easily bothers you.)

troye's pov:

troyesivan18:

good, because i do too.

:)

connorfranta:

:)

After about ten minutes of staring at Connor's response, I close the Twitter app and open up Spotify. I wasn't really smiling. I wasn't feeling happy like that emoji represented. I felt the complete opposite. 

I felt depressed. 

I felt drained.

I felt pain.

I felt numb.

I wanted a relief from all of it. The kind of relief that just took away all the pain. I wanted to be happy.

But we all know that will never happen. Not soon as least. 

So, I just let all these emotions flood my brain and heart. I let the sadness eat me away. The numbness roam throughout my body. The pain sting my chest. Everything felt like it was falling on top of me at once and I couldn't help it. 

I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs. I wanted someone to hold me and tell me that everything will be okay. I wanted a relief.

But here I am, stuck inside the darkness of my own room, blasting The Neighbourhood through my headphones to drown out the world, my negative thoughts racing through my head at lighting speed. 

You're worthless.

You're doing this to yourself.

Stop blaming everyone. It's your fault.

You're such a mistake.

Why are you still here? Just drop dead already. It's not like you'll be missed. 

These voices kept screaming at me, saying hurtful things that I've been numb to for a while now. I've accepted the fact that they're all true. All the hurtful words that are thrown at me are true. I was worthless. Just a burden. I should be dead. I'm making everyone's life miserable by just existing. Why wasn't I dead already? 

I didn't realize I was violently shaking until I lifted my hand slowly to wipe away the meaningless tear that slowly escaped my eye. My whole body was shaking. My head felt lighter than it should. I felt like air didn't exist at the time and my lungs decided that they should stop working. I couldn't breathe. 

Shit. Not again.

Fully aware of my state, I slowly wrap my arm around myself, leaning over to catch my breath. Another panic attack. Great.

The room was only filled with my desperate gasps of air and faint music playing from my headphones. After about 5 minutes of trying to get air to access my lungs, the act turned out successful and I took a giant deep breath. A wrecked sob escaped my weak body and I quickly slap my hand over my mouth to quite myself. The sobs continued and wouldn't stop for 20 minutes which felt like forever. Tears fell from my eyes and stained my cheeks during the time I was trying to get myself together. 

After about 35 minutes, I finally start to calm down, my sobs turning into quite hiccups and my tears coming to a stop. My shaky hands find their way to my hair and tug at it viciously as my eyes tightly shut. My chest felt like it was tightening each second I slowly breathed in and out. I hated this. I hated that it was always my fault for having these damned panic attacks. Everything was my fault. The depression, the anxiety, the constant hatred toward myself, the scars, the pain, everything. I was letting it all happen and not searching for help. Idiot, I know. 

Suddenly everything felt numb and I found my eyes relaxing slightly. My body was still shaking but I couldn't care less. I slowly let myself fall back onto the mattress I once sat on and let everything drain from me. Finally, I was asleep after I let more thoughts swim in my head.

You're so pathetic. 

Why would Connor want to stick around when all you do is ruin people's lives and make them miserable?

Connor.

* * * * *

hello  

it me

and here i am giving you a really really depressing chapter

i'm so sorry lol

okay so i know my writing is shit but when i describe troye's panic attack, i'm also describing it as what i feel when i have one so if you think it's different pls don't judge, it's what i feel.

anywayssss

i forgot to mention that this lil story is a spin-off of me and my internet best friend's friendship so if you think that i'm not writing out connor and/or troye based off of how they really act well that's bc this is a make believe story and they are make believe characters just playing a part in this make believe story !!!! 

i fucking can't describe shit i'm going to jump off a cliff bye 

i hope y'all enjoy this shitty chapter (i tried lol sorry) and i'll see you soon with an update :) stay cool. -Kay xx

(btw you can reach me on any of my social medias and follow meh if you want :)) 

twitter: lxvelynightmare

tumblr: darkglitterysoul (i think that's my username idk i'll check and see) 

instagram: lxvelynightmare)