Warnings: suicidal thoughts and actions, self harming, depression, mentions of rape, verbal, mental and physical abuse.
(No smut)
Words count: 6507
~
Phil sat, waiting patiently at the side of the tracks, head spinning and tear stains streaking his face. One thing he was trying to think of was is this is what he really wanted.
He's never been known to happiness. No matter what happens, no matter how hard he tried to fit in, to love life, to not have that aching need to die every single day in his fuckish life, nothing changed. He needed this.
Phil's parents have been broken up since he was nearly six. He carried permanent memories, scars, and flashbacks of his abusive father and alcoholic mother. The fear was always in his mind that he was doing something wrong, and that he was liable to deserve a beating after any of his actions. His father tainted his thought process with those beliefs.
After the divorce, his mother got custody, which was only better by maybe one percent. All she did was steal drugs and get drunk, and when she wasn't doing that, she would criticize Phil's every move. Some people tend to forget that words can also be used as a form of abuse.
School wasn't any better. Kids made fun of Phil for always wearing dirty clothes which his mother wouldn't wash and having scars on his face from his Dad. All the young boy could do was go home crying, wishing to himself that he could once have friends again.
To add on everything else, in high school he had his first boyfriend. Which, of course was a dream come true for the poor boy. Except for the fact that his first love was a druggy and a sex addict, always forcing Phil into having sex and getting high. Phil would wake up every morning with a few more bruises from what he assumed to be from his intoxicating boyfriend.
It took a long time for Phil to finally make the decision that he didn't need that man. It was hard, considering the fact that all he could think of was that no body would ever be able to love him again. Yet, what they had wasn't love. But Phil's mind was impaired. Impaired with lies of only some of the worst people in the world.
When he was eighteen he moved away from his mother. All Phil could think of was how life was only going to go up from here. He could get a job, create his own family, never have to worry again, but one thing was he didn't know where to start. No one has ever taught him to live on his own, considering the fact he didn't have a proper family. He didn't know how to go to uni, or if he did what money he would use. He's never had any type of job which would make it hard since he didn't have experience.
So he makes money by doing the thing he's been taught to do his entire life; getting taken advantage of. People would come to him and hold him down, fuck the shit out of him, beat him, yell dirty things to him then leave the money for him to wake up to. It wasn't a career, it wasn't a job, but it's all Phil and his corrupted mind needed.
Only up until now, he finally had enough money to do something for himself. One of the things Phil has always wanted to do was travel, so he did. He took a trip to London. Except one of the major factors was that he didn't have enough money to be able to get home. That wasn't any issue though. Phil wasn't planning to return.
Sometimes he wonders why he hadn't had done this earlier. No body needed him. Hell, the only people that even knew he existed were his mother who was probably passed out right about now and those freaks that practically rape him every night. This was perfect for a troubled soul like Phil. The perfect fate for the boy who never seemed to belong.
So all of this brought us to here. Phil sitting in front of the tracks, waiting for the next train to come to pick him up and take him away. It shouldn't be any longer, Phil had checked the times before he came, ecstatic for what he had planned.
Minutes later, a whistle of the train could be heard in the distant and Phil knew that this was his cue. His flag to stand and walk himself over to the wood and metal lying on the ground that would soon become his death bed.
His eyes closed as soon as he reached his haven, smiling slightly as he relaxed himself, getting ready for the impact. It shouldn't be any longer now. Soon, everything will be over. The only thing he'll remember is the darkness, and that seems a hell of a lot better than his previous memories.
The whistle grew louder. Only a few more moments. Phil could hear shouts coming from what was most likely the train, probably yelling at him to get out of the way. He merely chuckles, knowing theirs nothing they can do to stop him.
Seconds later, the rumble of the train is right behind him and his muscles tensed, eyes shut tight as the impact came.
Phil could feel himself air born for a moment before his head hit concrete. Confusion struck him as he tried to figure out why he could steal feel his breath and he could still see the light of day. That's when it hit him; the force had come from the side, not behind.
~
Bright lights disturbed Phil from his slumber. At first, this excited him; he had thought that maybe he had finally made it to the afterlife and this was the radiant atmosphere everyone had spoken about that had seen death with their own eyes, but that's when the ceiling came into view.
He moved slightly, feeling a neck brace trapping his head in place, causing the struggle of not being able to see the whole room. It was obvious Phil had found himself in a hospital, but he tried not to believe it, as that was the last place he wanted to be.
"Hello?" he croaked, lifting his hand up, trying to regain some of his strength that had seemed to have left him during his absence to the conscious world. "Hello?"
"Hey," a soft voice said beside him and Phil's eyes moved to the figure that came into view, a brown haired lad with brown eyes, staring down at him with concern and relief. "How are you feeling?" Phil struggled a bit more but relaxed as he felt a soft hand on his shoulder.
"Tired," he whined, closing his eyes before opening once more, seeing the boy sit on the end of the bed. "Where am I? What happened?"
"Do you remember?" he asked, eyes shining with worry. Phil nodded a bit, remembering the train, the impact, and the pain in his head. "Okay, well don't worry, it's okay, Phil. You're safe now."
"How do you know my name? Who are you?" Phil asked when the door opened, a nurse walking in with a smile.
"Oh Philip, your awake! You gave us quite a scare there. Daniel, the boy needs his rest, could you excuse us?" the boy 'Dan' nods and gives Phil one last smile, heading out the door and into the hospital hallway.
~
It's been nearly two days since Phil had seen the boy who he had woken up to, but those days had seemed to be hell for him. Nurses and doctors would surround him and ask him a lot of questions. It turns out that his mother was drunk and confused one night, forgetting that Phil left for uni and filed a missing persons report. When they found Phil, they also found the drugs in his mum's house, which sent her to behind bars in no time.
They had also asked about Phil's past and he needed to confess. He told about his father, his boyfriend, mother, bullies, rapists, and they just sat their, mouths slightly agape and nodding their heads, trying to understand.
All the people we're scaring Phil, but deep down he knew that they were going to help him. They told him not to worry anymore because he's safe, but that's a hard thing to believe when you're whole life was based upon lies.
No body would tell him about where 'Dan' had gone or why he was here. It seemed to be a big secret on how Phil survived that whole situation. He was ready, he was prepared, it was right there but he ended up here.
Every time he would ask someone they would just say that he needs rest and they would tell him later. "When's later?" he would ask only receiving a smile and pat on his shoulder. Phil would wonder how they think keeping it from him would help in anyway. It only made him more frustrated inside.
~
The next morning, Phil woke up to a knock on the door. Not thinking anything of it, he called for the person to enter, and his eyes met the man that he had seen on his first wakening here.
"You?" Phil asked quietly, raising an eyebrow as the man walked in, giving him a few smiles before sitting on the Phil's bed.
"Me," Dan giggled in response, shrugging his shoulders a little bit. "You look so much better. Thank god you're okay, i was so worried about you,"
"Who are you?" Phil asked, cutting him off and tilting his head a little bit, happy that he could since the stupid doctors finally took off the brace around his neck, seeing there was no injury to it.
"My name is Dan," he said and reached out a hand to shake with Phil's. Phil took it cautiously, shaking and returning the greeting.
"Phil. How do you know me? No body knows me," Dan sighed a bit, scratching the back of his neck before tracing small circle on his open palm on his lap.
"Listen, I don't want you to be upset with me at all," He replied, eyes diverting to his hands. "But, I kind of saved you,"
"What?" Phil asked, biting his lip, sighing a bit. He wasn't very angry, a little frustrated that his plan didn't work, but he would've done the same thing if he was in Dan's place. "Why?"
"What do you mean why?" Dan asked, forehead puckering in confusion. "You were about to get hit with a bloody train! I wasn't just going to stop and stare, I had to do something!"
"B-but, you don't know me, and obviously I didn't want to be saved, so why did you do it?" Phil asked, hands folding in his lap.
"I just-" Dan sighed, closing his eyes and shaking his head. "I've felt like that before. I never tried anything, but I understand and, I know you're going to thank me one day. Trust me. You can be mad, you can hate me, but just-"
"Dan, don't worry," Phil said, setting a hand on his arm to stop Dan from rambling too much. "Listen, thank you, but really I don't have anything left. I don't have a reason to live. I would be better off dead."
"I'm sure there's plenty of people who are extremely happy to know that you're alive," Dan said, trying to reassure Phil.
"No," he said, shaking his head slowly. "There's no one. It's not the fact that they want me dead. They just don't fucking care. Nothing is doing me anything good in this shit hole, that's why I wanted to leave!" Dan's lips set in a grim line, eye's shining with concern.
"I care," he whispered, causing Phil to look up in interest. "I care that you're alive, really," A low chuckle left Phil's lips as he rolled his eyes.
"You don't have to lie," he said, slumping his shoulders. "Really, it doesn't matter. As soon as this is over I'm back to living on the streets again so-"
"Living on the streets?" Dan edged a bit closer to him, savoring every detail.
"My mum's a drunk and a druggy and I don't know where my father is," Phil's expression tightened slightly as this is practically the fifth time he's told his story to someone and the whole thing was just getting old. "I don't have money so I don't have a house, it's as simple as that."
"How do you pay for food?" Dan asked, and Phil could tell in his voice that he was truly worried.
"Easy. Sex. It's all I could give," the man shrugged his shoulders as if it was nothing. "It's all I could do, so. Listen, I don't mean to dumb my shitty life on you, really just do yourself a favor and forget about me, it's easier that way."
"But- I can't just forget about you," Dan said making Phil groan and roll his eyes. "Why don't you come and live with me? No charge! Really, I want to help."
"That's not necessary." Phil retorted, shooting him a small glare to get out. "I can manage on my own, plus it's not really worth it since I'll probably be gone in less than a year anyway."
"No, that's not acceptable," Dan said, shaking his head and standing up. "You don't deserve to live this way, so you're coming with me and you'll live at my house. I was in need of a roommate anyways."
"No seriously, don't!" Phil said, calling to Dan who was leaving the room. "Dan! Stop!"
"Sorry!" Dan called back once he was out the door, walking to file having Phil in his custody. Phil crossed his arms, head leaning back as he groaned, just wishing it could all end already.
~
"Welcome home!" Dan said, opening the door to his house, letting Phil in before him. Phil had been in the hospital for about a month, going through therapy sessions and getting prescribed antidepressants as well as getting tested for STD because of all the rape sessions he's encountered; luckily he wasn't infected. "It's not much, it's just me, but it'll do."
"I hate it," Phil said as he walked in causing his new roommate to roll his eyes. All Phil had been doing was complaining about everything, trying to get Dan to change his mind about having them live together. "And I'm allergic to blue paint, so," he referred to the blue painting on the wall.
"Keep trying, these excuses are getting funnier by the minute," Dan said, pulling in Phil's, very small, bag of possessions into the house. "You're not leaving."
"Can I file an order for abuse?" Phil asked, turning, giving a smug smile to Dan only making him narrow his eyes as he walked further in the small flat.
"You can sleep in here," Dan said, taking Phil's items to the room he was using for an office but now was furnished into a small bedroom. "My room is down the hall over there,"
"This room is ugly," Phil said and set his hands on his hips. "So I can't stay in here,"
"Phil," Dan said frustrated and turned, balling his fists. "You keep telling yourself you don't want to stay here. You're not even giving me a chance. Yes, I saved your life when you were hoping for death, but it's not like I threw you back into a horrible life. I gave you a home, a warm bed, food, everything you need and all you're doing is throwing it back at me like I've made a mistake." Phil was silent. He took it all in and decided that Dan was right, he did have good intentions for what he was doing for him, and it was unfair that all Phil would do is whinge.
"This room's kind of nice, actually," Phil whispered, rocking back and forth. "I'll unpack," Dan nodded, setting his bag on the couch before retreating to the kitchen, leaving Phil to close the door, unpacking his things and letting tears drip down his cheeks only wishing he would've been more careful and made sure no one would have found him.
~
Phil is distant. He only stays in his room, normally just staring out of the window, too depth in thought in order to hear anyone other than his mind. It's got Dan worried. All he wants is for Phil to be happy, to lead a normal life.
Dan tries to get Phil to come out of his room but he wont have it. He'll only eat if Dan brings the food to him and stands there, refusing to leave until Phil would clean his plate.
Dan's afraid to leave the house. He knows the second he leaves Phil alone, he's going to make another attempt. Of course he took the precautions though. Anything that's even close to the structure of rope is well hidden and he's locked any rooms the have windows in them. Dan barely sleeps. All he thinks about in those early hours is what he can do to make Phil enjoy the world again.
That was a good question though; what could he do?
~
It's almost a month later when Dan notices the red marks laid upon Phil's arms, expertly hidden by his sweater sleeve. That hour was stressful filled with tears from both ends, as well as shouts.
One thing is, Phil is shocked when after all the screams and cries and frustrated groans, Dan kisses the cuts. His eyes would open wide as the man in front of him would keep eye contact with him and plant his lips on every mark that was there, whispering small comments along the way.
"Beautiful," Dan would whisper, moving to the next injury. "Gorgeous, perfect, cared for, loved, adorable,"
"Please don't," Phil said softly back, more tears falling down his cheeks. "Stop lying,"
"It's all true," Dan said back and pulled Phil into his arms, holding him close. "I want you to get better, I want you to be happy, all you have to do is work with me. Please," Phil holds onto every word that slips past Dan's lips, leaning into the soft embrace, craving the affection.
"Why me?" Phil asked. "I'm not worth it," Phil's mind is tainted with lies, and Dan understands that. The bad people in this world seemed to target the poor innocent man that was now safe in the other's arms, and they ruined him.
"You are worth it," Dan whispered, leaning in to kiss Phil's head. "And I'm going to get you to believe it. I promise you."
It's been two months since their meeting and since Dan had vowed that he was going to fix Phil. Inch by inch, he would edge closer to the troubled soul, waiting for an acceptance that he was going to get help, and all of this led up to the moment that right in the room where the two near strangers cuddled and Phil let out a hushed whisper.
"Okay,"
~
Almost two weeks later, Dan is sat in the living room, eating a bowl of cereal and watching a new episode of American Horror Story when he hears the soft padding of feet coming through the hallway. He practically has to hold in a gasp when Phil emerges, looking at him with wide eyes and shaky palms are grasping a bit at his jeans.
"Hi," Dan smiles and Phil just waves, walking in and around the living room, looking at all the furniture. "How are you feeling?" the older one doesn't reply, he just continues walking around, picking up some items before going in the kitchen and coming out with a chocolate bar he found. Dan could have nearly squealed with joy as Phil began to ate something on his own accord.
The moment comes and goes quickly as Phil retreats back to his room with the bar, leaving a smiling and flushed Dan in the lounge. One thing for sure Dan could feel at that moment was butterflies pooling in his stomach. He knew though- that was something that definitely couldn't happen.
~
Dan wakes up one morning a week later to hear the soft sound of a television from the living room. Joy immediately filled his lungs as he jumped out of bed, walking as fast as he could to the loung to find Phil sat on the couch, the X factor being played.
"Morning," Phil mumbled and Dan could have nearly shit his pants from the improvement Phil was making; eating, coming out of his bedroom, talking. Nothing could ruin this moment for the younger boy.
"Good morning," Dan smiled and went over, sitting on the other end of the couch, eyes refusing to tear themselves away from Phil's incredibly gorgeous features. "How did you sleep?" Phil just shrugged, looking down at his knees that were brought up by his thighs, and Dan knew that was the sign that Phil had had enough talking for the day. "I was going to make pancakes, do you like chocolate chips in them?"
"Never had it," Phil muttered almost silently, focusing his vision on the TV.
"I'll make you some, okay?" Phil nodded again, going back to hiding in his own thoughts, shutting out the rest of the world, but that was fine with Dan. As the troubled soul would edge closer to cleaning up his sense, the rest of the happiness would come along the way.
~
"D-Dan?" Dan opens his eyes to a dark room, seeing the shadow of his roommate in his own doorway, his hands wrung together as he rocked back and forth.
"What's going on, Phil?" he asked and sat up, not caring about the pounding of exhaustion in his head. Phil had approached him himself, and Dan was not going to just ignore him.
"I-," Phil stuttered a bit and let out a small sob, hand clasping over his trembling lip. "I want to hurt myself," the words came out like a strangled whisper, and the tears poured down like it was no ones business.
"Oh Phil," Dan said and opened his arms, hoping the other would be able to see him in the dark, which he does and practically runs into his arms, only wanting to be held and feel loved.
"I'm sorry," Phil whispered as he sobbed in Dan's neck, Dan holding him close between his legs, brushing his fingertips lightly across the boy's back.
"Don't be sorry," Dan replied and kissed Phil's head. "Just stay with me, I want to make you forget that. Just focus on me, focus on my voice, focus on my arms," Phil nodded, crying still as he did what Dan told him, trying to push away the impaired thoughts that were screaming at him that all of this affection was an act. "I'm so proud of you for coming to tell me, that's such a huge step,"
"T-thank y-you I just," Phil sighed, brushing the tears away and struggling a bit as Dan was holding him so tight, just wanting to cling onto the poor man forever. "I don't want to do it, but sometimes I feel like I need to,"
"I know, Phil, I know. Just remember I'm always here and I can help you push the urge away. That's what I've been trying to show you, I want to try and fix you," Phil only nodded, the fatigue slowly taking over him and the after affect of his sobs slowly turned to weariness.
"Thank you," he whispered, head laying on Dan's chest as he slowly fell asleep.
The two boys slept together that night with not a single regret. Both of their hearts would flutter once they would feel the other's presence, only hoping the other was feeling the same way.
~
"I think people are staring at me," Phil whispered, hiding behind Dan, gripping tightly to his hand as they walked through the cinema. This had been the first time Phil has been out of the house in nearly three months, and the smile hasn't left Dan's face since Phil agreed to it.
"Now the only reason I think they would stare at you is because of how hella cute you are," Dan remarked causing phil to blush and look down, a smile tugging at the edges of his lips.
"No- my.. my arms," Phil whispered, slightly annoyed that Dan made him take off the jumper since it was nearly eighty degrees(F) out. The other sighed softly and turned to face Phil, looking him in the eyes.
"Listen, those scars and cuts make up your story, and in your story, you've been quite the little fighter, so just think about it this way, the cuts aren't beautiful, but the story behind it holds a true beauty of bravery," Phil stood silently for a minute, swaying the slightest bit.
"Thank you," he whispered, arms behind his back, still in an attempt to hide them despite his acceptance of Dan's short speech. "Really,"
"No problem, Phil," Dan smiled and took his hand, dragging him to the theatre. "Come on we're going to be late!"
"I've never been to a movie before, is it great?"
"Great? It's awesome! I know you'll love it, trust me,"
That evening the two say in the back, unable to concentrate on the actual film on the fact that they always seemed synchronized whenever taking a bite of popcorn, sending sparks through the other's spine and jolts of love in the heart.
~
Dan left Phil alone for the first time one day. He tried not to worry and tried not to make a big deal about it so Phil doesn't feel offended in anyway. Plus, he wanted to try and make the situation as normal as possible as that was what they were trying to accomplish; give Phil a normal life. But, there was no way he could leave his suicidal friend, or crush, alone at home and not be worried.
He just kept telling himself over and over that he was just making a quick trip to the store and he could trust Phil to stay safe since he's been acting so much better now, but something would plague his mind telling him that this whole idea was terrible.
As Dan arrived home, he entered quickly, calling out to his roommate, showing that he was back. As he listened and failed to hear a response, Dan grew worried, walking quickly through the house, praying that the worst hadn't had happened.
"Phil?" He called and ran to Phil's room, opening the door to find that it was empty. "Oh god," he whispered, stomach seeming to drop. "Phil!?" he called once more, checking all the rooms of the house and growing more concerned by the second. He could practically hear the blood rushing through his veins as he entered the kitchen, right as he saw Phil, standing in the middle meeting his eyes with a nervous glint.
"I-I made d-dinner," he squeaked and Dan glanced over at the homemade mac and cheese that was sitting on the top of the stove, seeming to have just got taken out of the oven. A sigh of relief flew past Dan's lips as he went over, giving Phil a quick hug, leaving him confused.
"You didn't have to make dinner, really," Dan smiled, looking at the meal.
"No of course I did, I mean, Dan, you've done literally so much for me already, and I will never be able to repay you, but I really just wanted to do something to show my thanks," Phil blushed a little bit as he spoke, causing Dan to awe in his head. "Do you like mac and cheese?"
"I love it, thank you, Phil," Dan said, leaning forward to hug him again, grinning like a wild man as he thought about how Phil was recovering. Slowly but surely.
~
Dan is able to go to work once more. It's not his usual schedule since before this had happened he had to work almost every day and he doesn't think he can leave Phil alone for a whole week, but it's still something.
Some days he'll get home to find that Phil had once again made dinner. He finds that instead of seeing Phil in his room with tear stains on his cheeks 24/7, he'll come out and play video games or watch movies. It still takes some time to get words out of him, but every time Dan hears that voice, his heart skips two beats.
Dan returned home one day, calling out to Phil to signal he was home before taking off his jacket and walking into his flat.
"Dan?" Phil's voice rang from the living room and the sound of halo being paused followed it. Dan smiled when Phil called back, since that wasn't something he had done previously.
"Hey," Dan smiled as he entered the lounge, setting his bag next to the couch while Phil just looked up at him with his big eyes. "How was your day?" Phil just bit his lip and stood up, a smile quivering at the corners of his lips.
"Dan- I," he rocked back and forth. "I haven't hurt myself in a week," Dan's mouth dropped open and his stomach jumped in his throat as he threw himself in Phil's arms, holding him tightly.
"I'm so so so proud of you," Dan whispered, a tear trickling down his cheek. "Seriously, keep it up, I know you can do it," For once, Phil's arms found their way around Dan's torso, hugging him back with his eyes squinted a little bit.
"Thank you, Dan, for everything," he whispered but Dan just nodded, holding onto Phil for as long as he could, never wanting to let go.
~
A month since Phil had told him about his week clean, the two had gotten a bit closer. Phil would talk about his past and Dan would listen. Dan would explain his suicidal history, and Phil would hug him tight, telling him he's sorry.
Dan has bumped up his work schedule to three days a week, rather than two, and his head no longer spins with worry when he leaves.
Sometimes Phil would wake up screaming or crying with nightmares about his father and about the train, so Dan goes and holds him, shushing the poor lad to sleep until he would fall asleep himself.
The nightmares aren't something that are new, according to Phil, but to Dan's delight, these had been the first time the train dreams would scare Phil awake, rather than wake up wishing they had come true. It's a good thing, too. Phil should be afraid of an oncoming train, rather than embrace it with a warm hug. He should be mad at his father for polluting his mind, telling him that all the bad things he got he deserved.
Dan could see it; Phil's impaired mind was finally straightening out. Dan is finally seeing that Phil is getting better.
During that month, Phil had made it to two weeks clean until he had a bit of a slip. The only good thing about the slip was that he wasn't proud of it. He cried, wishing he hadn't had done while Dan just rocked him, kissing the cuts and dressing them properly.
He went another two weeks before it happened again, and the same process repeated. Phil would cry into Dan's arms this time and tell him how much he doesn't want to do this, and he wants to get over it, and Dan knows that it's going to be hard, but he tells Phil that he believes in him.
~
It takes some time, but Phil eventually makes it to a whole month clean, and Dan couldn't be happier. He takes him out to a fancy dinner to celebrate, being a gentleman the whole time, pulling out his chair for him, opening the door for him, it seemed just like a date.
But both boys tried to remind themselves that this wasn't a date. Dan didn't want to cross any line and lose the friendship he had worked so hard to establish. He needed to push his own feelings aside and focus on making Phil feel happy.
Phil of course is falling, falling hard for Dan and all he was waiting for was Dan to make the first move in order to catch him. As much as Phil is trying to set his thought process straight, he still can't believe that anyone in this world would want to love him. He still questions if Dan actually cares for him, or the whole thing is just a joke.
The two boys keep getting lost in the other's eyes while they would talk, slowly turning their volume down until they were just completely zoned out from the other's gaze. Awkward coughs were exchanged and blushes rose to cheeks, only to be saved by their food arriving.
That gives Phil a thought; maybe Dan does have a thing for him?
~
The nightmares are eventually reduced to every night, causing Dan to be sleeping in Phil's embrace by midnight every single day.
"Phil?" Dan asks as Phil excused himself one night to sleep, him turning around with his hands wrung together and rocking a little bit. Dan knew that was something he does when he's nervous. "Maybe you want to sleep in my bed tonight? I mean, I've had to come to your room at like midnight every night for nearly- two weeks now? Maybe it would be easier if you were already there," Dan gave a warm smile as Phil's cheeks lit up in a rosy color.
"No no, I don't want to disturb you or anything," he said, biting his lip a little bit to keep back the smile.
"Hey, it's okay, trust me I'd love to sleep with you!" It was Dan's turn to blush as he realized what he said, seeing Phil laugh with his tongue poking out. Seeing Phil genuinely laugh was one of Dan's reasons to wake up every morning. "I mean- uh-h I mean,"
"I get what you meant," Phil giggled. "Okay, I mean if it's okay with you, it's okay with me," Dan smiled and stood up, walking over to Phil, reaching for his hand. Phil let out another snicker from the nerves as the other led him to his room.
Sooner than later, the two were in Dan's bed, Phil's head against Dan's chest with Dan's arms around the elder's waist. Phil would listen to Dan's soft heartbeat, feeling in content when he would feel the rising and fall of the other's chest.
Dan brushed his fingertips on his roommates back, focusing on the sound of his breathing and nuzzling his nose in Phil's black hair.
"Goodnight," Dan whispered, tangling their legs together, just wanting to feel surrounded by Phil's embrace.
"Goodnight, mm love-you," It was soft. It was near silent, but Dan caught the words, holding on to every last one of them. The three words were the only ones he needed for the rest of his life. Dan planted a gentle kiss to the top of Phil's head, smile not leaving his face.
"I love you too,"
~
Both sleep together every night. Falling into a drift by the sound of the other's presence, hearts fluttering as goodnight's and more 'I love yous' are exchanged. When in Dan's arms, Phil's nightmares start to die off, and good dreams take its place.
He dreams of Dan being his boyfriend. He dreams of one day starting a family and getting married, making love to his roommate, and every morning he'll wake up to meet Dan's eyes, happy to know that they're the same eyes he sees in his dreams.
"Dan?" Phil asks one morning once Dan waked up. A smile etches across Dan's face as he hears his voice, looking down.
"Yes, love?" Dan asks and strokes his back gently. Phil sighs and feels his leg shake a little, but he had to say this. He had to do something. All he could think about all these different days were staying in Dan's arms forever, and he knew that he'll never get to achieve this if he doesn't ask.
"I- I love you," he whispered and Dan just smiled, kissing Phil's forehead.
"I love you too,"
"No, I mean you don't get it," Phil sighed, scooting up closer so their noses were pressed against each others. "I really really love you. I do,"
"Yes, I really really love you as well, Phil," Dan replied and Phil just shook his head, causing Dan to raise his eyebrows.
"Dan, I just- I don't know what it is about you, but all I want to do is stay in your arms. I want to fall asleep like this forever, I want to be able to call you mine and what I'm trying to say is I don't just love you, I'm in love with you." Dan just bit his lip, blushing and looking in Phil's eyes deeply. "I know you probably don't feel the same way, but I just felt that you should know-"
The lover's lips meet in a slow kiss, moving softly against the others, and Phil is taken aback, but all he can do is kiss back, enjoying the feeling. Phil's hands move to cup the other's face and Dan's arms tighten around his waist. Although their lips were busy, both were unable to keep the smile from spreading across their face.
"See what I mean now?" Phil asked, pulling away for breath and giggling. Dan nodded and pecked his lips.
"I can honestly say, I feel the same, I really do. I love you Philip, I love you more than anything in this entire world." Phil nodded, nuzzling against Dan's forehead.
"And I believe you," that was the key. That was enough for Dan to truly know that Phil has been saved. His tainted mind had been brought to reality, and everything was just going to be okay. "Three months today," he whispered and Dan just finally let the tears fall.
"I'm so proud of you, baby, oh my god," he whispered, chuckling and peppered kisses all along Phil's face. "I love you so so much and I want to be with you for as long as you want to be with me,"
"Forever please?" Phil asked, kissing Dan again, not getting over the feeling. Dan nodded, brushing away his own tears as Phil pulled away, going back to cuddling into Dan. "You were right," he whispered and Dan just raised an eyebrow, glancing down. "I'm glad I'm alive. Thank you for saving me,"
It took months, it took patience, and it took a lot of love, but Phil had finally been saved. He finally loved his own life, and he no longer has a tainted mind.
