Hockey Imagines

Mistakes- Andre Burakovsky

[Mistake (noun)- an action or judgement that is misguided or wrong]

Everyone makes mistakes.

Mistakes are a part of life. They make you stronger. They teach you something. When you make a mistake, you learn something about yourself that you never could have guessed.

Some people make many mistakes, some few. Some mistakes are large and unforgivable, some minuscule and gone the next day, and some are somewhere in between.

Some people see their mistakes and some are completely blind. Some just don't want to face their mistakes. Or the people they effect.

I made a mistake.

I know that now. I've known since that night. Since the moans began to fade into the terrified silence of regret. Since our bare skin rubbing against each other became an awkward space between us, much like a barrier. Since the smell of intimacy turned into the smell of betrayal.

How could I have let this happen? All I had needed was a shoulder to cry on and now that shoulder to cry on was the reason for my tears. I felt the panic rise in me and I brought myself out of the bed.

"Oh my god, what did we just do?" I said as I found my clothes that had been thrown all over the room.

"Y/N, no one can know about this." he sounded calm but I know deep down he was just as panicked as I was. I was silent, apparently for too long because his next words were much more aggressive. "Did you hear me? I said no one can know! Not your best friend, or your mom, not even your fucking therapist! And certainly not him."

"I can't keep this from him. He deserves to know." I mumble under my breath, hoping he didn't hear.

"Of course he deserves to know but do you know what the consequences will be? You'll lose him. I'll lose him. And if he doesn't trust me what do you think that will do to the team? You don't know how he'll react. He could go nuts and lose his job!" The panic is beginning to show, getting more and more evident as he spoke.

"But that's worst case scenario!" I shot back, looking for a loop hole. There's no way I could keep this from him. He means too much to me.

"Worst case scenario is still a scenario, Y/N. And that's a chance we can't be willing to take." I stayed silent again. "Promise me you won't tell anyone, especially him."

"I promise." I replied, meekly. I wasn't sure if I was telling him the truth, but I figured he wouldn't let me leave without that promise anyway.

So I left, feeling like a terrible human being, which I was. And I cried myself to sleep that night, hoping I would wake up and it could all just be a terrible dream.

~

It had been a week since my mistake. I hadn't spoken to him since.

Andre was coming home that day. He had been in Sweden visiting his family for 2 weeks. Hockey season was over.

His arrival was bittersweet. I was beyond enthusiastic to see him, but I knew the secret I held would find a way to force itself out of my throat and into his ears. I could picture the gears turning in his brain as he tried to process the news. Just thinking about it made me ill.

It was 3 in the afternoon. His flight didn't get in until 6, so I locked myself in the bathroom and cried until tears could no longer be produced. I hoped that drying myself up would keep me from bursting into tears later. I couldn't cry in front of him because then he would ask me what was wrong. I wouldn't be able to lie. Not to him. So it would be better if he never had a reason to ask.