Midnight ✔️

5 O'clock AM

I Google things about parenting and babies for a while before I actually decide to look up somethings that are actually about being a teenage parent. Everything I read, while I know it's suppose to help you with your problems as a teenage parent, only makes me nauseous.

I give up on that because my stomach cant take it so early in the, now, morning. Some how I end up on YouTube and stumble upon this song called "There Goes My Life" by Kenny Chesney. I look over at the woman beside me and click the button that lowers my phone's volume until there's only one bar remaining.

The song starts to play and I almost switch it off because I can immediately tell that it's a country song. I can't stand country music. It's way too twangy for me. Just as I go to click out of the safari app I'm halted by the first few lyrics and the sight of the music videos beginning. I stop and listen because I feel that I need to and I don't think I have a choice but to respect what this singer has to say.

So I let it play and catch myself struck dumb as it does.

"All he could think about was I'm too young for this.
Got my whole life ahead.
Hell I'm just a kid myself.
How'm I gonna raise one.

All he could see were his dreams goin' up in smoke.
So much for ditchin' this town and hangin' out on the coast.
Oh well, those plans are long gone.

And he said,
There goes my life.
There goes my future, my everything.
Might as well kiss it all good-bye.
There goes my life."

I grit my teeth on themselves. How did I even manage to find this song?

"A couple years of up all night and a few thousand diapers later.
That mistake he thought he made covers up the refrigerator.
Oh yeah, he loves that little girl.

Momma's waiting to tuck her in,
As she fumbles up those stairs.
She smiles back at him dragging that teddy bear.
Sleep tight, blue eyes and bouncin' curls.

He smiles,
There goes my life.
There goes my future, my everything.
I love you, daddy good-night.
There goes my life."

My face crumples and my eyes and nose start to sting. I try my best to hold back the raw emotion that's emerging from me but I can't seem to control it.

"She had that Honda loaded down.
With Abercrombie clothes and 15 pairs of shoes and his American Express.
He checked the oil and slammed the hood, said 'you're good to go.'
She hugged them both and headed off to the West Coast.

And he cried,
There goes my life.
There goes my future, my everything.
I love you.
Baby good-bye.

There goes my life.
There goes my life.
Baby good-bye."

I am literally reduced to tears. A huff of a sob is forced through my nose and I click out of the song and lock my phone. I blink and cry uncontrollably as I try my best to keep it down so I won't wake up Cameron. Stretching over to the book shelf I drop my phone onto it.

I can't help thinking that if that is what's in store for me, this will be all worth it. I want my girl to be a daddy's girl. I will be a good dad for her, whoever she may be when she grows up. I bring my hands up to my face and look at the clock again after I wipe the wetness from my cheeks.