Imitasyon Jord

1

As I started opening my eyes, I felt like my head was going to explode. My head ached so bad, but about two or three seconds later I had forgotten about the pain and realized that something was going wrong. I noticed that I did not wake up to the sound of my parents fighting and shouting, to the sound of a vase or glass breaking, or to my little sister crying because the maid had not woken up and hadn't given her any milk to drink.

During the past sixteen years of my life, I never needed an alarm clock to wake up. I would always wake up to one of these three sounds. That, was even if I
was able to get any sleep. I mean, I have been living on sleeping pills for a couple of months now. If it wasn't for them I wouldn't have been able to shut my eyes since the beginning of the year.
Something was definitely wrong. I started looking around me and noticed that I was in my bed in the middle of nowhere. I was surrounded by grass, flowers and water fountains. Trees were shaped weirdly. Some trees had the shape of a lion, others of a giraffe, and some had the shape of letters.
-"Am I dreaming?"I thought.  But I never have dreams. I gazed at the grass trying to think of anything that could give me a clue to where I am. Suddenly, all of my thoughts started rushing in my head. I started having flash backs of last night.

I was frowning and regretting that I was trying to remember what happened. These flash backs were killing me. It was like someone was strangling me and trying to make me drown. Drown in my thoughts. But then again, I have been drowning for years.
It was like a part of my brain was trying to kill me and force me to remember. And the other part was trying to fight back and not remember or think of anything.
Obviously, like it has for years now, the first part won. I held my breathe, tears filled my eyes, and these flashbacks started playing.

The first thing I remembered/saw was me in my bedroom. I was in my gym clothes. I had just finished my soccer practice. I opened my cupboard where I leave all of my medicines, and took about two handful of sleeping pills. I put them next to my bed, then went downstairs to the kitchen and got a glass of wine. When I got back to my room, I took off my gym clothes, put on my pajamas and then laid in bed.

"I can't no. Stop thinking stop thinking." Suddenly I started breathing extremely fast. Tears still didn't fall from my eyes. They never really do. I got up quickly from my bed and started walking around myself. I wanted to distract myself from bloody remembering what happened last night. But then again, who was I kidding? As if my mind would give me mercy and free me from my thoughts.
The flashbacks played again.

As I was laying in bed, I moved over towards my table, grabbed the pills, took them whilst drinking my wine, then closed my eyes.

Suddenly, I stopped breathing again. All of my emotions were mixed. A part of me was just staring at the grass feeling numb. Another part of me, which was also a part of my brain, was absolutely freaking out. It was like my body was feeling numb, and my brain was terrified and scared.

My brain took over again. The overthinking started. 
-"So, did the pills have a really strong effect on my sleep and I'm just dreaming? Or.."
Then the thought came to me. It was actually in my head as I was having all of these flashbacks, but I was trying so hard to deny it. "Am.. Am I.. Am I d-dead? But.. But if I really am, where am I? What is this place? Is this.. is this hell? No, it can't be.. Is this.. is this heaven? It.. it can't be either. For God's sake I just bloody committed suicide. Where.. Where am I?"
Whilst I was in the middle of my panic attack and felt like my brain was going to explode from the overthinking, I heard a sound. A girl's sound. "Is someone else here?" I thought as my brain calmed down from the thoughts of being dead and my heart's beating starting slowing down. I started walking slowly, following the sound. About a hundred meters away, I saw someone with long hair bending their knees to their face, and crying. As I tapped on their shoulder, the girl turned around. For a moment, tears stopped running on her face, and her eyes opened wildly and for what it seemed like, she kind of held her breathe for a couple of seconds. Without realizing, my reaction was about the same as hers. She, who couldn't stop breathing fast, stopped breathing. And I, who breathed slowly, also couldn't breathe.
-"An..Andrea?" I said whilst looking at her red eyes and her shaking hands.