In Memory

3: When You're Gone

When you're gone, the pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone, the face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone, all  the words I need to hear
To always get me through the day and make it ok
I miss you

- Avril Lavigne

    All she wanted to do was stay in bed and cry. But the next day after hearing he was gone, she had to get up due to a religious assembly. If anything, it was probably where she needed to be. To be surrounded by her friends who gave her the loving support she so desperately needed.

     But that doesn't mean it still didn't hurt to breathe. To keep going when all she wanted was for time to stand still. Better yet, for time to turn back. To have one more moment with him. It killed her on the inside not knowing the last thing she said to him.

     The last memory she had took place in sixth period. She knew he hadn't been feeling well that day. He had had his head resting on his black sweater on the desk while the teacher was explaining the lesson. That's her last memory. He didn't show up the next day. Rightfully so, since he was sick.

     But he was supposed to come back.

     Day after day, she took comfort in her pints of Ben and Jerry's Strawberry Cheesecake ice cream. The little things got to her. She couldn't take it. All over a boy she had only known for a few months. But it didn't matter.

     Then came the day of his memorial. She was determined to go. She hadn't been able to go to the one for her friend who had died seven months earlier, because she had been in another state visiting family. She HAD to go to his. She NEEDED to be there.

     As her car group got closer to the cemetery, the feelings overwhelmed her once more. She couldn't believe where she was  going.

     She walked into the room, and took in her surroundings. There were a lot of classmates present; the others that she didn't know she assumed were his family.

     They played a beautiful video full of pictures of his short life. It brought tears and laughter. She realized she had only reached the surface of knowing who he was. She wished she had had more of an opportunity to do so.

     One of his younger sisters approached the podium and read a piece she had written in his memory. Her words echoed in her mind.

     "He taught me how to play football, but never taught me how to cry. He didn't think I'd need to."

     His mother made her way to the podium. It was so heartbreaking to see her just looking as his closed casket, her only son. His mother could barely walk and hold herself up; she actually needed assistance by someone to walk. The grief was too much to bear. She couldn't imagine how his mother was feeling considering how broken she herself felt.

     The family wanted a moment alone after the memorial, so the guests were gathered outside. More hugs and comforting words were exchanged with one another.

     Then came another moment that broke her heart. It was time for him to be taken away to be lowered into his grave. She just watched as his casket slowly drove away. She still couldn't believe he was gone. It wasn't fair. He was only 17 years old.

     She cried every day for two weeks. It seemed as if there wouldn't be a day where a picture of him wouldn't feel like a knife in her chest. But one day, she was able to handle going on his MySpace page. You could feel the love, with all the comments still being posted on his page from family and friends. It was endearing.

     She also enjoyed the fact that the song he had chosen for his page was Fort Minor's "Remember the Name." It was quite fitting, for she knew she'd never forget his name.

***

     Sometimes she feels like quitting and giving it all up. Her life hasn't been the easiest, and there are times where she just wants to shut it all out and break all the rules.

     But then she thinks about him. She still hasn't forgotten. She remembers the good times, and he still manages to bring a smile to her face. The pain has gotten a bit easier to bear, but she still has her bad days where it's too much of a burden.

     The God she prayed to on that dreadful day has become more real to her. It took her almost a year after his passing to realize she was going nowhere. If he really meant something to her, she needed to get her life together. That was the only way she could see him again.

     She constantly dreams of the day he will come back, and she'll get to say his name once more. His name still keeps her going.

     Sometimes it's all I have.