Is This Abuse #Nomore #MeToo

Warning Signs and Red Flags

It's not always easy to tell at the beginning of a relationship if it will become abusive.

In fact, many partners may seem absolutely perfect in the early stages of a relationship. Possessive and controlling behaviors don't always appear overnight, but rather emerge and intensify as the relationship grows.

Domestic violence doesn't look the same in every relationship because every relationship is different. But one thing most abusive relationships have in common is that the abusive partner does many different kinds of things to have more power and control over their partners.

If you're beginning to feel as if your partner or a loved one's partner is becoming abusive, there are a few behaviors that you can look out for.

Watch out for these red flags and if you're experiencing one or more of the red flags below in your relationship, call or chat online with an advocate to talk about what's going on.

 Telling you that you can never do anything right.

 Showing jealousy of your friends and time spent away.

 Keeping you or discouraging you from seeing friends or family members.

 Embarrassing or shaming you with put-downs.

 Controlling every penny spent in the household.

 Taking your money or refusing to give you money for expenses.

 Looking at you or acting in ways that scare you.

 Controlling who you see, where you go, or what you do.

 Preventing you from making your own decisions.

 Telling you that you are a bad parent or threatening to harm or take away your children.

 Preventing you from working or attending school.

 Destroying your property or threatening to hurt or kill your pets.

 Intimidating you with guns, knives or other weapons; or threatening to hurt himself or herself because of you.

 Pressuring you to have sex when you don't want to or do things sexually you're not comfortable with.

 Pressuring you to use drugs or alcohol.

 Withholding affection or behaving as if you don't exist.

Domestic violence can happen to anyone of any race, age, sexual orientation, religion or gender.

It can happen to couples who are married, living together or who are dating.

Domestic violence affects people of all socioeconomic backgrounds and education levels.

Abuse is a repetitive pattern of behaviors to maintain power and control over an intimate partner. These are behaviors that physically harm, arouse fear, prevent a partner from doing what they wish or force them to behave in ways they do not want. Abuse includes the use of physical and sexual violence, threats and intimidation, emotional abuse and economic deprivation. Many of these different forms of abuse can be going on at any one time.

At The Hotline, we use the Control Wheel to describe most accurately what occurs in an abusive relationship.

Think of the wheel as a diagram of the tactics your abusive partner uses to keep you in the relationship. While the inside of the wheel is comprised of subtle, continual behaviors, the outer ring represents physical, visible violence. These are the abusive acts that are more overt and forceful, and often the intense acts that reinforce the regular use of other subtler methods of abuse.

You may be experiencing physical abuse if your partner has done or repeatedly does one or more of the following tactics of abuse:

 Pulling your hair, punching, slapping, kicking, biting or choking.

 Forbidding you from eating or sleeping, or forcing you to eat when you don't want to.

 Using weapons to threaten to hurt you, or actually hurting you with weapons.

 Trapping you in your home or keeping you from leaving a location.

 Preventing you from calling the police or seeking medical attention.

 Harming your children.

 Abandoning you in unfamiliar places.

 Driving recklessly or dangerously when you are in the car with them.

 Forcing you to use drugs or alcohol (especially if you've had a substance abuse problem in the past) or denying you access to medication or to alcohol.

You may be in an emotionally abusive relationship if you partner exerts control through one or more of these actions:

 Calling you names, insulting you or continually criticizing you.

 Refusing to trust you and acting jealous or possessive.

 Trying to isolate you from family or friends.

 Monitoring where you go, who you call and who you spend time with

 Demanding to know where you are every minute.

 Punishing you by withholding affection, ignores or doesn't talk to you.

 Threatening to hurt you, the children, your family or your pets.

 Damaging your property when they're angry (throwing objects, punching walls, kicking doors, etc.)

 Humiliating you in any way.

 Blaming you for the abuse.

 Gaslighting.

 Accusing you of cheating and being often jealous of your outside relationships.

 Serially cheating on you and then blaming you for his or her behaviour.

 Cheating on you intentionally to hurt you and then threatening to cheat again.

 Cheating to prove that they are more desired, worthy, etc. than you are.

 Attempting to control your appearance: what you wear, how much/ little makeup you wear, etc.

 Telling you that you will never find anyone better, or that you are lucky to be with a person like them.

Do you have any tips for anyone going through or recovering from physical or emotional sexual abuse?

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