‘’15th step, 16th step, 17th step, completely sober’’ I dragged out a whisper of my inner thoughts, trying to fool myself I was still in the right state of mind.
The emptiness of the bottle in my hand had already given me the answer I didn’t care to believe.
So I’m drunk or head fucked or pissed or out of it, whichever term you may use to describe my state, either way I feel better, I don’t feel so bitter and hostile, my whole attitude is starting to make even me - tired, let alone the people that have to put up with it.
I was currently walking across a side walk in California, the so-called place for dreamers, and here I was taking it for granted.
Although at this time of night you can mistake it for a much more beat down part of America, honestly my view seems too tangled for the great California.
But night is my favourite time of day, so it’s the only hours I care to stay awake for. Night is great; the colours resemble my mind to a T. Dark, mysterious, foggy, cold… empty.
That’s what I feel mostly.
No.
That’s what I feel, period.
As the breeze hit me - anything uncovered below my thighs feeling the wrath of chill – I thought about it for a moment, it wasn’t a friendly breeze of fresh air, it wasn’t even scented with newly cut grass; there wasn’t any sign of nature around here apart from the occasional palm tree or a flower pot on a window surface. No, everything around here smelt like ash and any other unfriendly smell to both your senses and your lungs.
But either way, I wanted to be washed away with it.
‘’take me with you’’ I whispered, not to anyone, just to the wind.
‘’as you wish’’
I span around looking for the person of which that voice could’ve belonged to, unless it was the wind speaking to me in response.
Naomi you’re actually losing it.
‘’Naomi get in the car’’
I should’ve guessed, really, I should’ve. I knew that voice was annoyingly familiar.
‘’look, Justin why don’t you do both me and yourself a favour and go home, tell my brother you couldn’t find me and expect me back in an hour or so’’ I smiled, leaning on the open right window of his new white Ferrari of which he couldn’t stop boasting about.
‘’I’d love to, I really would, but I do actually have a conscience unlike some of us and if anything happened to you in the next hour or so I would feel responsible’’ he reacted with the exact same level of sarcasm, making me scoff
‘’you’re not going to leave me alone are you?’’ it was a rhetorical question, one of which I knew the answer to but that never managed to stop Justin Bieber from answering it
‘’nope’’
Slamming the car door shut behind me, just to piss him off enough seen as this car has recently meant more to him then a lot of his other overly priced belongings, although he could afford another 10 of these and still have enough to shit on everyone else’s lives.
‘’ever going to stop with these antics, Naomi?’’ I was honestly too fed up to answer his question, what if I wanted to escape this shit for just a day? A day. I didn’t even manage 4 hours before my brother decided to whip up a search party.
‘’you’re killing yourself, you know’’
That was far from a question, more of a statement, a statement I’d rather not listen to. But maybe I wanted to kill myself intentionally, death meant escape right? Freedom? A ticket out and away from all this bullshit? That’s what death meant, so the statement didn’t get to me as much as he would’ve wanted.
‘’we’ll just wait and see what Aaron has to say about this’’
‘’he isn’t my father’’
‘’is that what this is about? Because if it is don’t you think you’re laying it on a bit thick, you decided to cut all ties with your father and refused to attend his funeral so the jokes on you’’ in all my days I’d never heard him snap like that, Justin Bieber angry? Quite the turn on I’ll admit. Not to him though.
‘’ah so my father’s death was a joke? Smooth Justin, real smooth.’’ I scoffed, directing my attention to the view outside of the car instead.
‘’I didn’t mean it like that’’ although I was managing to look anywhere but at him I knew he was clenching his jaw, eyes fixated on the road and inwardly cursing me about how much of a heartless bitch I am.
He let out a sigh, giving up, as usual.
‘’If my little sister managed to get up to the stuff you do –‘’ he stopped his sentence mid-way, probably trying to avoid any more unintentional bickering between the both of us
Getting out of the car, slamming his door once again I leant down crossing my legs over each other and leaned on the open window like I had previously, only this time having something different to say.
‘’I truly don’t give a fuck what you would do to your little sister if she was anything like me, because she isn’t, and I’m not your little sister, so do me a favour and stop acting like I am. Justin’s you’re Aaron’s friend, not mine, so stop pretending to care, it’s not making a difference.’’
Maybe it was the drink talking, or maybe it was what I had been meaning to actually say for the past 3 months.
Either way I felt like shit because you don’t usually get a reaction out of Justin, and he didn’t have a vocal reaction this time either, but his eyes told you the full story.
After all he’s done a lot for me and my brother, Aaron opens for him on tour and with the amount of publicity Aaron’s getting, and he’d be starting his own one soon.
Also while we have our break from tour, we’re staying at Justin’s. Instead of staying in London with our own family, that’s a long story.
Walking past the gate and toward the front door I knocked, a frantic Aaron looking both scared and well… frantic.
But when he got the full picture of my appearance he instead looked displeased.
‘’you’re a bitch, a fucking bitch.’’ He spat, looking down at me as I had no other response but to smile smugly and walk forward only to have my arm tugged back
‘’piss off Aaron, I’m tired, I will face the ugly reality of the consequences for my action tomorrow morning along with a hangover, so if you care to put a pair of painkillers on my bedside that’d be cool’’ I nodded, continuing with the staircase
He shifted, only to hear another knock on the door, Justin.
Finding myself at the top of the staircase and rounding a corner so they thought I had left, I stood still listening for what I had thought to be a handful of bitter comments revolving my drinking.
‘’where was she?’’
‘’a backstreet not too far from here, she was on her way back.’’
Liar.
‘’doesn’t look like it’’ Aaron blew air out of his nostrils in a humorous manor before continuing
‘’I know how she acts when she’s drunk, did she say anything?’’
‘’no she was just quiet on the way here’’
Liar.
You’d think after everything I’d said he be anything but modest towards the only person that meant something to me.
I was way too tired to look into why he had lied in the first place, and preceded to bed.
‘’asshole.’’ Was the last thing I remember saying before collapsing into a slumber.