My earliest memory as a child, is probably me humming along while my grandfather sang to old songs. I didn't really knew and saw my parents that much since they were always busy with work in the city while i live in the province. In other words i grew up with my grandfather until now. I grew up as a little girl who loves to sing and listen to the 90's songs and other classical music. One of the few singers i can remember is Kenny Rogers, Barry Manilow, Connie Francis and Nat King Cole. We live in a small but descent-looking house with 1 bedroom, living room, a small kitchen and a small bathroom. I used to be really messy specially with my stuffed toys and dolls. I also remember how i dressed, well i was just really simple, I was always wearing an old oversized shirt with the only pair of pants i have. And i was a really hard-headed kid that's always loud and throws a tantrum. I particularly loved puzzles and buy a lot of them when i was like 5 years old. I think those puzzles were the reason why my memorization really developed.
As far as i can remember the first contest that i ever joined was a declamation contest when i was 6 years old. First try and i was ranked as the 1st, which gave me hope and confidence. I have this really strict teacher back then, every kid feared her and would never dare talk back to her. She was the one who helped and taught me how to act and memorize for the contest, which i was really happy about. There was something about her, i can't really tell what it was but i felt really comfortable with her and i never really thought she was strict at all. I had no confidence at all, but she really believed in me even though she knew i was the shy type. She pushed me to my limits (in a good way), i guess that was the reason i liked to perform so much. But sad to say that i lost in the 2nd try, i cried and cried to my grandfather and dad, i asked them all day why i lost and if i wasn't good enough. "One day i'll perform again" i vowed to myself as i cried. As a child, a 6 years old child who never knew the feeling of how to lose until that day, well let's say it's not easy to accept it. What i never knew is .. maybe this was really not what God wants me to be doing.
So we went home, but still i was crying. After a while, my dad decided to play the CD full of karaoke songs and sang. I calmed down a bit and listened to him. My dad was a singer, it may never be his profession but he does have this soothing voice that always melts my heart. And before i knew it we sang a duet while i was still teary-eyed,once we finished he said "you know, you have some good vocals why don't you sing on a stage instead?" and all i can say was "no way dad, i'm really shy in front of other people there's no way i'd be doing that." Still in my red dress that i wore in the contest a while ago i looked miserably crazy while we talked and laughed that day, a day i will never forget.
My dad was a funny man, he's the joker in our house. If you can imagine a creepy and quiet cemetery at halloween, then you can probably picture how our family looks like without him. A lot of our relatives say i'm his "girl version" and that he even passed some talent to me. He was a good singer, a cartoon artist, a dancer and a guitarist. He has so much talent but he never lived up any of his dreams, instead he was a family and school driver. I remember when i was a like 4 years old, we used to live in this really small house in the city. It was just plain cement and a small living room where we slept, watched television and ate, and a really small bathroom. When my dad went out for his new work as a family driver (he was formerly a tricycle driver) i freaked out so much and sobbed and yelled while i was running after him in this narrow street, i even tripped and fell that left a wound not only in my knees but as well as in my heart.
I always remember these incomplete childhood memories of mine.. Like when we were in the city.. my dad was driving the motorbike while i was being squeezed as a kid between my dad and mom. We would go out and have a joyride.. i can remember the dim violet street lights that were imperfectly aligned, with the cold breeze brushing gently to my cheeks. I felt so alive and happy, because we were complete. And that time where they took me to the mall to have piano lessons when i was 5 years old, but my dad said "no, i want my daughter to play the guitar, i want her to be a rockstar"...
Well, not all my childhood memories are beautiful like a masterpiece of a well-known artist. There were also these memories like a dark place with no ray of light to be seen. I remember my dad and mom arguing.. brutally fighting each other in front of me. All the yelling and screaming.. the pain i felt because i can't do anything, i stood there frozen in place. Flashbacks of those nights where my dad would go home every night knock very loud on the door and staggering on his way to bed. Before him i cried, i cried silently. I remember the times he used to kick, punch and swear at me without knowing. I understood, well.. he was drunk. Those times .. it always makes me cry whenever i remember it.... just typing this makes me cry too. He never knew any of these, until now he has no clue of anything, but i guess it's for the better to not tell him.
"I'll stop for now... it seems like i can feel the old wounds opening up again.."
