Why Don't You Just Pay Attention?: The World From My Perspective

Why Don't You Just Pay Attention?

Oh no, I think. I knew it. I'm drawing in my math notebook when Ms. Logger calls my name. I'm too distracted to pay attention.

"Um...." I try to find any meaning out of the numbers that are written on the whiteboard. My eyes are darting back and forth, I can't sit still any longer, and every single voice in the room seems to blend together.

"Drawing in class is not acceptable, Angi! Why don't you just pay attention? You would have a chance at passing this class!"

I hear snickers from the other students in the room. What have I done? Do I look like an idiot? Am I an idiot? I'm not a success, so I must be a failure, so I must be worthless. This has been drilled into my mind by my parents, teachers, and peers since before I can remember.

I look down at my hands. I really AM worthless. Why can't I just be normal?

I blink back tears. That's a stupid question. I know why. It's because I have ADHD and Anxiety. It's because I'm insane, I'm sick. Or at least, that's what everyone says.

But this is normal for me. This is a normal day. I'm always distracted, I'm always hyperactive, I can never sit still. I'm always getting in trouble for something that I can't control. Medication is supposed to help but it makes me realize that I, myself, am unacceptable. My 504 is supposed to help, but it feels like I'm being pitied. I am being pitied for something that I don't want to be pitied for.

You say I'm lazy. You say I just want attention. You say I'm creating problems. You say that I just won't try. But that's the thing: I am always trying so hard to be good enough, but anything I'm good at is a distraction. Anything I'm bad at I'm not trying to do well, or I'm being lazy. Or at least that's what you say. The only attention I need is for once just some positive reinforcement, but apparently I'm  creating problems just because I want some encouragement. According to you, I am a problem. According to you, I need to be locked up somewhere. According to you, my problems are made up. And I guess you're right, because everybody else seems to think so, too.

Everybody else seems to think so, too.

That's the thing with ADHD: I'm constantly worrying about what I messed up because I KNOW that there is something because I am always distracted. I am always daydreaming or doodling or doing who knows what that I ALWAYS mess something, no, everything up. But you already know that, don't you? After all, you drilled it into my head.

I have no escape from this distracting hell in which I live. I'm always trying to find a way out, to find a way to scream my feelings without being called a phony and a fake. But there is no way. There's not a single way to show the world what I'm not. I'm NOT crazy. I'm NOT sick. I'm NOT a faker. I'm NOT I'm NOT I'm NOT.

But you say I am.

Am I what you say I am? Am I not? I don't know because it's all swirling together into one big melting pot of yes and no, do and don't, are and aren't, and I can't keep up with myself or your words. I can't stop thinking, I can't stop moving, I can't stop getting distracted because it is written in my DNA that I have to. I have to keep moving, thinking, and getting distracted. I want to stop but I can't. I can't I can't I can't.

But you say I can.

If I can, why haven't I? If I can, why don't I? You seem to know, so you tell me: what is going on in my brain? Why can't I refrain myself, why haven't I refrained myself? Tell me tell me tell me.

But you still won't tell me.

This is my constant state of mind, my constant world, my constant hell. That's what ADHD is: constant, constant, constant. It never stops. It NEVER stops. I want it to but it won't. I can't make it. It is constant suffering through being told you're insane, lazy, dramatic, fake, constant living with the fact that you make everything worse. Constant wondering, constant daydreaming, constant moving, constant thinking, constant failing. And it DOESN'T STOP. It NEVER STOPS.

So you tell me: why don't I just pay attention?