Nice to meet you

Jess what the fuck! Get up and clean your room you know people are coming over today! And once again my day starts out. Usually this isn’t how you wake up your 19 year old daughter but with my mom everything’s complicated. I slowly shift around in my bed with no energy whatsoever. I reach over and grab my phone checking once again to see if he wrote to me. But of course with my luck he didn’t. You know never once in my life did I regret anything so much.

“I just want to understand you.”

“You never will, okay? drop it.”

“But if you let me in I promise, I’ve never judged anything you did but if you’re going to keep shutting me out I don’t think I could do this anymore,”

“Lol if that’s what you want”

I’ve never been so hurt in my life. It was always a game. The one time I actually let my guard down. The first time I let someone see the real me. I stood up all night that day and just cried my eyes out. I knew that I shouldn’t have been this angry. It wasn’t that long of a time we had together but still I felt like it was love. By night time I couldn’t stand just staring at my four walls. It was just depressing me but I couldn’t have gone out either. It was way too late and everyone was sleeping. I didn’t care though. I wanted to be a rebel. I wanted to rebel against the world. I never did anything to deserve this much devastation. I put on a pair of shorts and a tank top and just left. A jog usually cured my suicidal thoughts. I put on my headphone and blasted the one song that I knew would remind me of him. As I ran through the streets I thought of every one of our arguments. “Why do you always have to hang out with him?” “Whatever then ima go smoke with my friends” “Is that really what you want? ,your such a fucking whore.” I felt my eyes prickle and my heart compounding. As I looked around I didn’t notice that I was actually pretty far from home. There were creepy men on bikes and they were all staring one direction ….. Me.

            I slowly looked around trying to avoid all type of eye contact. I felt that maybe if I didn’t look at them they’d all look away. Like I’d slowly disappear but of course were talking about me here. A guy came walking towards me and I freaked. I mean what would you do at this point? I sprinted as fast as I could through little cracks of streets and alley ways but that wasn’t so helpful. I was panicking and sweating. I was so out of breath and getting dizzy. As I stopped to catch my breath a hand went around my mouth and my eyes slowly shut.

            My eyes were slowly adjusting to the surroundings. It was dark, and really cold. The atmosphere was really musky. It smelt like beer and nasty guy cologne. I slowly moved my hands to my eye and rubbed them. As I did someone patted my thighs and shushed me. I rubbed my eyes again to make sure this wasn’t one weird nightmare. It wasn’t. The voice was real and so was this situation. I kicked the person in front of me and started feeling around to look for an escape. I’m pretty sure I was in a vehicle just not sure where. I knew wherever I was I could outrun this greasy pig though, but it was no use. He gripped me and pressed his nasty cold lips on mine. Once he moved back I spit in his face but he just slammed my head into the cold floor of the car. Slowly I was drifting off again but I know for sure I felt my pants coming off and a slow tear escaped my eyes.

            I felt two strong arms lifting my weight up. I could see a little now too. The day was looking clearer. I think the sun was coming out. I felt pain in my lower half. I felt the two people that were lifting my weight up slowly let go and run. I fell to the ground and just laid there thinking how my life could take such a turn for the worst. In a way I even felt like I deserved this. As if it was my entire fault. I slowly lifted myself off and started walking away the pain. They didn’t leave me so far from my house, something I was grateful for.  As I opened the door to my house I saw my mom crying on the couch and she was yelling on the other line. She walked up to me and lifted my face up. I left it void of all emotion. I saw something I’ve never really seen in my mother. Hate and disgust. I just looked down and walked past her. I didn’t bother sharing the news. I walked into the shower and just soaked in the hot water letting it clean my body from my past. I took the soap and just scrubbed and scrubbed taking all the grime I felt covering me. I didn’t feel satisfied but I stopped because the blood was now dripping from my skin. I took my towel put on my pajamas and laid in my warm bed trying to erase the day’s events.