Starless Eyes

Prologue

I hate you. I hate the way you laughed. I hate the way your skin felt under my touch. I hate the way you made me feel. Because nothing has ever destroyed me or left me so devastated since the day you left. No one has ever made me feel as alive as you did. No one has ever made me feel so important or wanted. The way you met me that day at university. The way you took me to our home despite my constant despair of telling you to leave me the fuck alone. After all this time, after you left me with no explanation, I am still madly in love with you.

I've never felt such desperate, passionate emotions for anyone. The range of emotions I feel for you is indescribable. A burning passion deep within my soul. Your words had never affected me as much as they did when you first expressed your feelings for me. Not once have I ever questioned your so called endless declaration of love for me. Not even when you went missing for an entire week. Not even when you told me you went back to alcohol. Because even with those changes, you still confessed your love for me.

And even when you left that day, you left me a voicemail, telling me that you were leaving. Leaving me behind in a world of light. Leaving me locked in my room for weeks, crying my heart out for the man who left me and took my heart with him. So if it comes to the day when you come back, not that you promised you would, and you would ask me how much I love you... I would punch you in the face before enveloping myself in your warm arms. To this day, I still love you with all my heart.

Because no one, not even my own parents, has made me feel so happy with just the thought of you. I whisper your name at night, constantly torturing myself over my loss of the man that makes me the happiest person alive. Because even with my disability, you remained by my side. Despite not being able to see your beautiful face, I love you with all my heart because you are the most beautiful person in the world. You can describe me how you look and I pictured you in my mind, a beautiful person for such a beautiful soul.

As I lay here in my world of light and thoughts of darkness, surrounded by nothing and secluding myself from the world, I think of you. I think of our memories together and your beautiful laugh. I think of you and I cry over the memory of you. Because that's all you are now. A memory. I hate myself for missing you so much.

Those nights we spent on the roof of our place, ignoring the fact that we were both adults in college, were the happiest nights of my life. When you helped me climb, even carried me at some points, you were always by my side. You helped me against the bullies. You saved me from the light. You were my darkness. My beacon of shadow through my constantly lit world. I would sleep in your darkness, the only way I could find peace.

I hate that I still love you, Dan Howell.