Love Can Be Hard

Chapter 9

     I roll over in my bed and I feel the drool in my pillow. I groan and move my head away.
     "Were you dreaming of me?" I jump up at the voice I hear. I look at the direction where I heard the voice. Hayden is sitting on my bed with this dorky smile on his face.
     "No," I smile.
     "You sure? You were drooling a lot,"
     "Just because I was drooling does not mean I had a dream about you," I laugh. Hayden crawls over onto my bed and I pull my blankets up higher.
     "What's wrong with you?"
     "I don't have any pants on," I say shyly. Hayden laughs and grabs my pants that are under his feet.
     "Oh yeah, I forgot you don't sleep with pants on," he throws my pants at me and I slip them on under the sheets.  When I finish I get up tap his shoulder to let him know that he can turn around.
      "What are you doing here this early?" I ask.
     "Just wanted to check in I guess,"
     "Okay, thanks,"
     "You okay? You're quiet," Hayden says. I move my hand down my left arm and turn around. 
     "Yeah I'm fine,"
     "Okay, well I got to go. Bye Shay," Hayden kisses my cheek then jumps out my window. When he's out if my drive way I whisper bye.
     I crawl back in my bed and I just sit there. I'm not sure how long I was there until my mom is shaking me.
     "Get up, we have things to do."
     "Okay," I put actual clothes on then I head downstairs. My mom looks me up and down and Logan is at the table.
     "You look just wonderful," she says through her teeth. I look at what I'm wearing. I have skinny jeans and a pair of high tops in and a hoodie on.
     "Thanks," I mumble.
     "It wasn't actually a compliment you self centered bitch," my jaw drops and Logan clears his throat.
     "I was just saying thanks because I thought that was the polite thing to do. God damn I'm sorry," in two seconds my mom is in my face.
     "Watch what the hell you say to me Shay," the whole time she is saying this a cruel smiling is on her face and her nose was practically part of mine.
     "Okay," I step back and walk away. I walk out the house and wait outside. Logan is walking behind me.
     "What is her deal lately?" He says. I shrug my shoulders and keep my mouth shut afraid she is somewhere lurking around waiting on me to say the wrong thing so she can slap me.
     "Get in the car!" I hear my mom yell from the back porch. Logan and I walk around to the sides of the car and when we get in we both realized we got in the back. I laugh and Logan smiles.
     My mom comes around to the driver side and when she gets in the turns around an looks at us. "No one willing to sit up here with mommy?" She says mockingly. Logan and I give her a cold stare and at the same time we turn and look out our windows. She laughs and rolls her eyes then starts the car.
      We drive all the way to Wal-Mart. When mom parks the car and shuts it off she turns back around. "Any of you want to come in with me?" Logan an I don't say anything. "No one? Okay I'll be back in a few minutes," she gets out and locks the car. Bitch thinks locking the car will keep us in here when we can unlock it from in here. I laugh and keep looking out the window.
     "I had nightmares last night," Logan breaks the silence.
     "Me too," I turn my head to look at him and I can see the bags under his eyes. His face is dark and you can see the gloominess in his eyes.
     "What was yours about?" He asks. I turn away.
     "I don't want to talk about it," I say.
      "Okay," I hear him turn away and that's the end of our conversation. I can see my moms crazy hair and then before I know it I see her. She's got this nasty look on her face when she sees me. She flips her head and then she unlocks the car. She starts the car and we drive home in silence.
     We pull in the drive way and my mom locks the doors before Logan and I can get out. We both look at mom.
     "We need totally as a family," she says.
     "A family wouldn't talk in a locked car," Logan snaps.
     "Shut the fuck up!" She turns around and has her finger in Logan's face. He slams himself in his seat and puts his chin up to keep from getting touched by her finger as if it was death dating to kill him. "Don't give me that damn attitude of yours Logan."
     "Okay," he says.
     "Now what I wanted to say heifer I was interrupted by a rude comment is that I want you guys to stop distancing yourselves from me. I'm your mother, you shouldn't be afraid of me and to shouldn't avoid me," she turns around and unlocks the car then leaves. Logan sits back and punches the head part of the driver seat. I jump and then I tense. I turn and look at Logan. He has tears in his eyes and he is shaking. I unbuckle myself and pull him to me. He wraps his arms around me and cries. Him crying bring tears to my eyes but I swallow them back. Logan let's go of me then rushes out of the car and then he runs in the house.
     I get out and walk slowly to the house. When I get in I hear Logan's door slam. My mom stands in the kitchen.
     "What's wrong with him?" She asks with a smirk.
     "What do you think you?" I yell. She steps bak and anger flashes across her face. Before I can run she's already charging at me. I from my hand in a fist and her hand is already behind her head. Her hand meets me cheek and then my fist meets her jaw. She falls to the floor and she knocks over two table chairs. Logan is standing at the top of the stairs and he sees me standing above mom. He just watches. Mom gets up.
      "You pack a punch for a little bitch," my fingers and anger beg for me to hit her again. Instead I turn away. I walk past Logan and he follows behind me. I walk all the way to my room and slam the door. The instant my door closes I burst into tears. I run to my bathroom and go to my hiding spot. I can't think or breathe. I hit her. I find my razor and I sit down on my bathroom floor. I try to slow my breathing but it does not work. I pull my pants down and make the razor meet my hip. I make 4 long deep cuts across my hip. The blood runs down to my underwear line and it pools there. I put my razor away. I get up with my pants across my thighs. I walk to my medicine cabinet. I grab a finger full of pain killers and swallow them dry. It scratches the whole way down my throat but they go down. I sit on my floor and listen as my breathe gets slower. I close my eyes and relax as I take everything in. The pain, the dizziness and frizziness from the pills. I reach my hand up and lock my bathroom door.