Anxious

playing with fire

I'm trying but
my stomach is burning
and my heart is seizing
I can't remember what's important to me anymore
everything is in ashes
the only thing that's keeping me standing
are the expectations
that no one should have of me

a crowd
sweaty palms
blurred faces
pushing and pushing
until all I can do is fall forward
my knees scraped
and limbs twisted
crushed underfoot
but I'm still trying to crawl

I take a breath
cover my head
and wait till it stops
everything dissipates
but the ache is still there
like a flame
an uncontrollable wildfire
white hot, ready to explode
into nothing
yet destroying everything

I want it to rise up
but I let loose
a broken wave
that quenches what little rebellion I have left
but my mind is still dry
and it can easily be ignited again