Book of Emotions

Gaurded from the one I loved...

Photographs Ed Sheeran

I had never felt a pain so enormous... It was numbing... The person I found myself to love no longer wanted to be with me.. I cried, I screamed, I cursed and still nothing helped. I started off in denial. Not believing it was truly over... But once I felt my numb body sort of liquidate all the tears came pouring out. I had never honestly let myself cry over any guy but I found myself pouring my eyes out for him.

I would have held my tears in and pointed anger toward him but for the first time in my life the reason it ended was my fault. I had been so guarded so locked up not letting myself completely love him that I pushed him away. Causing him not to feel loved. Ending "us". Killing "us". I felt like shit. How could I have been so stubborn that I pushed away the only guy who ever treated me like a queen...

I yearned for another chance. To rewind everything I had done wrong and fix it all if I just had one more chance... Good God I wanted another chance. I prayed to him almost every minute begging for another chance.. A do over... My body yearned for him. Savoring our last kiss, last touch, last word spoken face to face, last laugh we shared.. All I could think of is how badly I fucked up a good thing..

Even still I couldn't pour my heart out to him. I couldn't bear to embarrass myself to him even though I loved him unconditionally.

I realized that day that love was a very delicate thing... That once you even thought you may feel that strong a feeling towards someone you must tell them before they're gone. Before you regret every moment you bit your tongue. Every moment you held back any emotions. I know now that I will regret holding back from the one I loved...

And what seems like a forever later. I'm still wondering why it hurts too bad to delete the photographs of me and you. I hold on to the memory of us. Partly to punish myself for not letting myself love you and also to remind myself to never think with my mind only but my heart also.