My Sanity

Prologue

There is a pain that wakes in all of use for different reasons. We don't know why or how, but it does and when it hits us it peels us apart little by little, piece by piece... When it ends there is nothing left of us. The love and joy we found in all the little things are gone we try so hard to tell ourselves that it will end and the feeling will go away but if we are being honest with ourselves it will never go away it will linger and make you feel that your life is worthless and that there is nothing to live for.

I have grown up with my mother and father and 5 other siblings and even though i have all of them, there is a part of me that is empty and that reminds me of those moments that i would love to forget, dreams, memories, music, little things seem to haunt my life my sanity is at its edge there is just too much and it's something that will never be forgotten. I've tried so hard to tell myself that it's over and that it's never gonna happen again but some part of my mind just won't let me forget. It haunts my dreams mostly and it takes a big part of me, it's killing me little by little the days seem to stretch and the nights seem to disappear, My life is like a living nightmare and there is nowhere to escape to at one time i could escape to my dreams but those dreams have turned into nightmares and the nightmares into bad thoughts. At one point all i wanted, all i thought i needed was someone that could bring me back make me feel like i was apart of something make me feel like i was important... he was one of my best friends not cute at all but he was funny and spirited he made my mind go to other places that weren't scary and dark but that was cut short when i realized i wasn't important to him i was just a girl that he wanted to fuck... I left him and everything went back to the way it was the stretched days and short nights... my once pleasant dreams were haunted by the thoughts that i would never be important and that i was a worthless person living on this planet, there was nothing here for me and i wasn't going to make it anywhere in life...

That's when the thoughts of just ending everything started flooding into my mind... thinking that it would be better for everyone if i was just gone and out of everyone's way... She made me feel like i was worthless like i was nothing to anyone. the nightmares were because of her the short nights of no sleep afraid wanting to leave and never come back, she downed me every chance she got, she hurt me over and over again she made me feel like i didn't belong to this world like i was nothing like i wasn't important like everyone else.

The choice of running away was cut short when my father wouldn't let me leave, it just got worse my sisters and brother joined in on it with my mother... "you stupid, you're a failure, you'll never make it far in life, you're a bum why do you even try?" are some of the things that are said on a daily basis. I was trying my best trying to prove them wrong then one day she said something, something that no daughter should have to here her mother say....

" I disowned you along time ago, you are your fathers child not mine"

That is one thing that has burned into the back of my memory it will never be forgotten, it burned a huge hole in my chest that will be there forever and it will never leave. I've been alone in my life even when people are there they are not there.

So i can tell you that i know the feeling of finding yourself sticking out on the edge, take it from someone who has been where you are at. This world is a fucked up place it takes you chews you up and spits you out, For some people they just have it easy and others get by but not me I'm that one person who was chewed up and has yet to be spit out.... So this is how my story begins.....

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