To my dear Watson,
Everyone has their terrible secret burdens. Their terrible hidden truths that not even the brightest of mind could find out...
That night, the night you said to me, "Stay the bloody hell away from me, you made me watch you die Sherlock, made me watch you jump to your death, then you came back and expected me to be bloody fine with it! The whole bloody time you could've told me, but you just didn't care enough to, and as far as I'm concerned you're still dead to me".
There's a reason for everyone living John. The point at which our whole world revolves around. I could be dead, in a world where you were absolutely happy. Alive, miserable, but you were happy. But, not for one moment, could I live with you hating me.
All the times you called me brilliant, don't ever think for a second that I'd forget those times. Never my dear Watson, would any of the breath you wasted on me be forgotten. You came into my life, giving me the best years of my life. Everyone said " Piss off" , "Fraud", " He's a psychopath" . Oh no, but not you, you believed in me. You thought my mind was brilliant.
At you and Mary's wedding, you looked so happy, a happiness that I was never able to provide you. The happiness I tried so hard to give you, but never could succeed, I couldn't make you stay, especially not after the fall.
I'm sorry I never reached out. I didn't know how long this was going to take. I was scared John..scared. Scared that someone was going to harm you, kill you.
It doesn't matter anymore though. You've moved on, and now Mary's Pregnant. You'll make a great parent John.
My once 'brilliant' mind as you called it, is now filled with nothing but sorrow, sadness, doubt, anxiety, and blame. I made that anger that boiled in your veins that night. My mind cannot focus this way. I've quit doing cases, it's just torture now.
You remember that one time we fought, on the case, what did you call it, The Hounds of Baskerville? I called you my only friend, that was the closest I've ever come to an apology.
Now here is a true one..
I'm sorry John for all the pain and whatever else I've done to you. Just watching the way you went on, the way you look at me, I can see the hurt in your eyes. And, knowing I'm the cause of that hurt is the worst feeling in the world. I'm so sorry John..
This is why I must end this. I'm drowning in my own sadness. I haven't eaten for weeks. My once 'brilliant' mind is falling apart. And the burden I have set on you.
You know it's funny..never thought I'd go out like this. Always thought I'd die to a bullet, something dangerous on a case, like that one time with a pill, do you remember that? Guess it sort of happened. I did die to a bullet, an internal bullet. One that slowly made its way in, inflicting more and more pain the harder I tried.
This time I'm gong writing a real note though. A true goodbye.
And I'm going to die where no one will find me. Where no one will watch, no one would care, not that anyone did in the first place. Plus, I won't leave a trace where I'm dying. I guess they always said the river washed our sorrows away.....now I'm washing away with it.
I'm going to say one thing I should've said a long time ago..
I love you John.
And once again I'm so sorry for all the pain I've caused you. Why on earth did you ever believe in me? They're right.. I'm a freak, psychopath, I will die to my own doing..
Why are you still even reading this?
You always were so stubborn..
I'm sorry
Truly sorry
Goodbye My Dear Watson
I'm sorry for what ever burden I've made you breathe into your lungs...
You know... You're the brilliant one...
Sincerely the man who is drowning in his own sorrows,
Sherlock Holmes
