Ok, first off, where to start? Should I start at the beginning or slowly fade in and out? Let me start out with how pessimistic I am... About everything, especially love. For me I "seem" confident, I pretty much am, though it does occasionally get faked. I have an irrational fear of looking weak. I hate being called Deanna, because to me that name represents the old me. I used to be so, shy, quiet and was never confident in myself. I in essence hated myself, my life and was not in a right state of mind. I didn't even realize when Anna, started to come into play. She's outspoken, fun, flirty, confident, and although shes still not completely in the perfect state of mind... she is better than "Deanna" in every way shape and form. A lot of my friends and family don't know the extent of how bad I used to be. I hardly open up for anyone so if you're reading feel special I'm letting you in. I give some amazing advice, even though I almost am never able to help myself it just gets pushed back to the back of my mind... Some friends that know how I am say its going to make me explode. It might, but I can't just let it all hang out. I feel like a burden on people or I feel weak I'm either contradicting my help or living my worst fear there is no happy middle! My series love's melody though it has fake names and the events are fake the people all have a specific reason and person in mind. This is what helped me realize my created personas Anna, Deanna, Natallie. They each have a persona and even intermingle, no not as in talk to or with each other... I mean trait wise there's gray areas only I can feel and specify. This is completely random but my cynical ways cause me to over think. I am technically anorexic, no I don't think I'm fat, I don't "need" to loose weight, I want to. I am quite confident but I honestly can't take being called over weight or told I can't loose weight it honestly makes me mad. I hate being called a blonde or counted out, I am smarter than what I'm given credit for because I think things through to a point where no one realizes I'm right... Because they didn't think that far ahead. I am also a Calvinist in the closet. I believe everything happens for a reason and there is nothing to regret because you either run from it or learn from it. I am cynical even more so than anything about love, that four letter word, that causes so much pain and joy. How could it be worth it? Want to know another secret? I've pushed away, played and rejected a lot of guys not because I want to, not because its fun... It's not fun at all. When I play with guys it's because I fell for the one I pushed away. I used the L word on a guy and wasn't sure, we weren't in love I don't believe you fall out of love. We were infatuated. I hate being called innocent, cute and shiz like that because to me it makes me feel weak, I am not cute! I was bullied and taken advantage of when i was younger, my "friends" used me as a therapist, never caring what was wrong with me. They never stood up for me when kids teased me told me I was ugly or dumb or whatever happened. I blindly turned my cheek' I forgive them now but I can't forget and they don't get another chance. They know Deanna the girl who's now dead. They won't get a chance to meet Anna, ever.
For now thats what i have to get off my chest and i hope you liked the little in sight on me.
