People say to look before you fall. But how do you know when you are going to fall? When you fall, both literally and figuratively, there won’t be any warning before you fall. When you fall, you just fall. So how are you supposed to look? How do you know when you are supposed to look?
I know for a fact that I like you, but I still have no idea if I love you. I don’t even know what love is, remember? However, I know how I feel when you look at her. I feel jealous. That little pain inside shows up everytime I see you with her.
Her. She’s pretty, she’s smart, she’s beautiful inside out, she’s kind, she’s talented, she’s everything I am not. In other words, she’s perfect. I don’t question why you’d like her. I mean, she’s almost an angel. Perhaps, she is an angel disguising as a human. And to add the irony, she is my best friend.
Alaina. What a name, right? It means ‘precious one’, ‘sunshine’, ‘shining light’. Alaina Brooke. The name obviously describes her personality. She is precious. She’s always been a bright young girl, always thoughtful, always cheerful. Her parents are in no doubt very proud of her. I mean, who won’t be? She’s a good friend, an excellent student and a great daughter. A true angel.
If you read Nicholas Sparks’ book A Walk to Remember, which I doubt you do since you dislike reading, you’ll see a character that resembles just how kind she is. Jamie Sullivan. That’s the name of the character which resembles her and I think you may just be her Landon Carter. Though I hope not. Curse my selfishness.
No, I never tell her about my feelings for you. Somehow, I just can’t, despite those two years being friends. I guess I just feel kind of insecure. Even before I have these feelings developed for you, I’ve seen how you act a litte bit strange around her. Even back then, I knew you like her. Socall me selfish for not telling her, but that’s just me. Honestly, come to think of it, it’s only fair for me to do so because she’s barely told me anything. Everytime I ask her about her love life, she’ll avoid the conversation or try to change the topic.
Sometimes I worry that she has the same feeling for you too. She’s really good when it comes to hiding her feelings. I know that from two years being with friends with her. If you don’t ask her to spill, she won’t. If she really does feel the same for you, I can’t stop her from being with you. I mean, she deserves you. You two make a perfect couple. And I guess that’s why I’m insecure.
I’m not her. I don’t have the musical ability she has, I’m not beautiful, I don’t possess the kind-heartedness she has , I’m not selfless like she is, I’m not an angel like her. I’m me. I’m selfish. I’m selfish because I want you all to myself.
You’re always there to tease her. But I guess that’s just a way of expressing how you feel for her and to gain her attention. At least, that’s what I think. It can just be my insecurity speaking, but it can also be the truth. Either way, it hurts whenever I see you around her.
How can I not be insecure, when she’s the one to introduce me to you? How can I not be insecure, when she’s known you longer than I have? How can I not be insecure, if she gets the chance to know you more than I do? Tell me, how?
Sometimes late at night, I think about you and her face shows up, her hands intertwined with yours. Those are the times when I cry myself to sleep, thinking that I have no chance against her, against my own best friend. I mean to see a guy you have feelings for with another girl is bad, but seeing him with your own best friend will hurt you more than a blade to the heart.
That’s why I’m asking, how are we supposed to look? Sometimes I think that if I’ve never had these feelings for you, I won’t have to be so insecure with my own best friend, I won’t have to pretend to laugh and smile when I see you teasing her, I won’t have to feel jealous. But, what’s done is done. I can’t undo all this feelings I have for you. All I can do is hope.
Well, when it comes down to choice, any normal people will pick her over me. In fact, everyone will pick her over me. But it is never wrong to have hope, right?
Yeah, peabrain finally updated, after months of procrastinating and laziness. Don't put too much hope on the next update though. It might come even later. I hope you guys like the new chapter. I'm seriously stuck in writing this, because I'm either depressed or hyper most of the time, but not jealous. So, yeah. Anyway, feedbacks? :)
