The Hero

The Nonexisting Tear

He drove fast. He always drove so fast. I mean we've talked about him getting in a accident, hell we fought about it all the time. I never expected to have it happen, or I didn't expect it to turn out so poorly. Poorly meaning dead. Dead mean lifeless, cold, pale body laying in a Oak wood dark stained casket.
Sitting front row looking at it and not shedding a fucking tear. I don't understand. My best friend is dead, I mean my boyfriend. My boyfriend is dead. His mom bawling next to me. Tears just soak her cheeks. She is gasping for air, and covering her mouth at times. I assume to stop the wailing, but I just blankly look for a good focal point so I don't have to look at him anymore or all the sadness around me.
I've cried before, actually in fact I've cried many times and even over the silliest things! But I now can't cry... I feel the sadness. I feel it peeling every muscle up and taking the strength, and then only leaving weakness. I feel the sadness more than I've ever felt it before, but for fucks sake I simply just can't let one little tear go... I don't understand. Am I just that much of a fucking heartless person to not cry at my boyfriends body? I guess that makes me a monster.
This random ass priest, from this random ass church, that he's never even been to, is spouting out a scripted speech that he's said over thirty times at different funerals.
This is all bullshit. I want to go home. I want to just lay in my bed and sleep. I want to have a calming cigarette and be fucking alone.