Fire Angels

Chapter 16 Part 1 Shad returns

Once again I did my best to accept that my relationship with Shad was over. It was better thus. I was becoming too attached to him. We could never be more than just passionate friends. I could not bear to think of how he would react, if he ever found out about Bedazzer, the basic uncleanness at the centre of my being; about the moment when I had wanted to become one with a Demon.

In my heart of hearts I knew I did not believe that it was over between us, an unsatisfactory state of affairs which I frequently scolded myself on. It made no difference. I longed for Shad. I had an uncomfortable feeling, as if I was rolling down a steep hill with no hope of stopping and that I would hit the bottom with a very hard thump.

After a week of missing Shad in this way, I was delighted to receive a message from him saying that he was being sent with dispatches to Lammerquais in two days time and would I like to meet with him? The following day I received a letter from Silva telling me that Shad was staying with them and would I like to come and stay with them too.

Lord Uttrello gave me a nasty look in the council meeting that day because I was humming under my breath. Lady Julia commented on my good mood. It was at a time when Lady Blanche was not with us.

"Could this be the return to Lammerquais of a certain handsome Southern Captain," she asked, throwing me into confusion. How did she know? I supposed it was stupid of me to expect that nobody noticed. The guards at the door would have noticed Shad coming and going.

Seeing my confusion, Lady Julia smiled and told me that she had asked especially for Ren Forest to carry the dispatches in the hope that it would cheer me up. Though I was disconcerted by to think that people might actually know of our affair, I was too happy to care much.

The day Shad came however I was not able to get away from the White Tower early. Tomas came home from Rougelammer and asked me to come walking in the gardens with him, a sure sign that he had something private to say to me. Living in the White Tower had given me a new perspective on the use of gardens. Everyday as Lady Julia and I sat over her embroidery, we could see people walking there in twos and threes and sometimes we speculated as to what business they might have together.

I had a sinking suspicion Tomas wanted to scold me over Shad and I was all prepared to tell him to mind his own business. I was right that he wanted to scold me, but it was not over Shad.

"I'm glad to see you have become so intimate with Lady Julia," he said, but for Tanza's sweet sake, have you no more sense than to get yourself involved in her plottings?"

"What do you mean?" I cried, thrown by the unexpected direction of this attack.

"What do you think I've been doing in Rougelammer? I've been keeping an eye on the Patriarch as well you know and its not very pleasant for a man faced with exposing his own sister as part of a clandestine meeting."

"She didn't tell me where she was going."

"Aye Dion. But had she told you, wouldn't you have gone anyway?"

I could not answer that, because I would have found it hard to refuse Lady Julia Madraga anything. I was coming to see that she would be a better ruler for Moria then the Duke of Gallia ever could be. I also knew full well that the Duke of Gallia would do his best to see his Queen had little influence over the way he ruled. Then there was the issue of Blanche Shomnee.

"Julia is a very clever woman," said Tomas. I can't blame you if you have done things you didn't intend because of her. But for God's sake be more careful. Her ambitions for the crown cannot come to anything. Don't get yourself involved in them or you may pay a very heavy price."

We walked silently together for a moment. Then Tomas reached out and squeezed my hand.

"I only seek to keep you safe," he said.

"Tomas I can't blame Lady Julia for seeking ...other allies. Did you know that the Duke is having an affair with Blanche Shomnee and she is pressing him to marry her?"

"He never will. What could he gain?"

"I never saw him look at Kitten Avignon in that why. I would be frightened if I was Lady Julia."

"You've very well informed."

"I saw them in the forest together. Symon's been watching them," I added unwisely.

"Symon. Now there's another one you should be more careful of Dion. He'll make use of you if you let him, just you wait and see."

"For God's sake Tomas, does everybody have to be making use of me?"

"You are powerful and you're popular too, even more so after that silly prison thing. Do you think Lady Julia took you down to inspect the prison with her for the sake of your beautiful eyes? It does her cause good to be seen in your company."

"Oh Tomas," I protested. All the more because I knew he was right.

Yet when I thought about being used later, I realized that I did not mind being useful to Lady Julia. I wanted to help her and it was the same with the Klementari. It was not just because they had helped me either, but because I agreed with their goals.

"You be very careful of Symon and his crew," said Tomas now. "The Duke does not like the Klementari at all."

"Do I have to let the Duke decide everything," I said crossly.

"You would be wise to follow his preferences a little more closely.

You have let it be publicly known you think the push south is more important than the patriarch and caused a scandal over his management of the prisons. This could be a very destructive course to follow. In politics it is unwise to put your heart too strongly behind any cause unless it is that of your ruler."

Though I could see wisdom in his words, his patronizing tone annoyed me thoroughly.

"Maybe you should be a bit more careful of your allies too, Tomas. Do you really think Sandor Sercel wouldn't sacrifice you if it meant the good of his family?"

"He is not the only one with a family to take care of. We will have to stand behind you, if you disgrace us. Have a care you do not bring us down."

So what with the council meeting, Tomas's scolding and visiting the women's prison to help with healing work, I did not get to Silva's house till dusk.

Shad must have been looking out for me, for he met me on the corner of Silva's street and swept me into his arms, leaving me breathless with delight. I hugged him as tight as I could and kissed his face as he kissed mine.

The evening passed in a golden haze. Even Dally's grim little face could not damp my spirits. A tight knot of desire had formed in my belly. I was most shamefully impatient for the time when it would not be too early to retire to bed and shortly after the children were sent off, I excused myself on the grounds I was tired. I heard Shad making exactly the same excuse to Ren Mara in the shop were they sat talking. As I climbed the stairs to my room, I was aware of every movement of my body, of my breasts firm against the cloth of my dress, of my thighs moving soft and slippery against each other. I heard Shad's lithe step running behind me. He caught up with me at the top of the stairs. His hand was warm against my back as he took my basket from me and ushered me in through the door of our bedroom.

We did not bother to light a candle.