brain cancer fic》jerrie version

f i v e

Perrie is used to telling Jade everything, pressing the words into Jade's jaw or whimpering them into her mouth or crying them into her shoulder when she's embarrassed or sad or scared. There are, of course, some things Jade doesn't know, like that on that rare occasions she's awake before Jade she likes to stare at Jade's face, eyes closed and lips parted and sometimes she cries, too, because Jade is so wonderful and Perrie doesn't know what force on earth decided she ever deserved someone so lovely and understanding and patient.

There are more, a few, but they're relatively unimportant things except now she's got a big secret hovering right over her heart like a butterfly, wings fluttering angrily and it's that she's starting to lose his words.

She can't... she can't explain it, because it doesn't make sense but sometimes, she'll be in the middle of a story and somehow she'll just forget as in she cannot physically nor mentally get her tongue to wrap itself around the next word and it's fucking scary. Like, she'll be telling a story about the twins or something she watched while Jade was away or a stupid joke Leigh told her when she'll forget the word play or watch or even funny and she'll cut himself short, ducking her head as panic creeps up his spine and then Jade will say something that jogs her memory and she'll be able to finish her story in one piece.

It's okay. Like the doctors said - bad, but not hopeless. She repeats the words to herself over and over in her head every night until they blur together and she nearly forgets them altogether.

Staring at Jade's sleeping face, all she can think is please don't let me forget you, too.

Eventually, Jade notices. Jade notices everything.

"Jade," Perrie says sharply, voice slightly panicked in a way it usually isn't. "Can't find the...the...for the car."

Jade's brow furrows as he turns to look at her, lips curving downwards into a confused frown. "Huh, baby?"

Perrie hands shake as he tries to imitate the act of putting keys in the ignition. "Can't find them," she blurts, feeling more embarrassed than anything else.

"You mean the keys?" Jade asks, voice dripping with concern.

"Keys," Perrie repeats, relief flooding through her so fast se thinks she might pass out. "Yeah. Keys." The word feels just as familiar as it always has, rolling easily off her tongue and she almost wants to laugh.

Jade doesn't say anything, but he doesn't have to.

The look on her face tells Perrie everything she needs to know.

Jade makes her a list on her phone, a little list titled Words for Pez :), all filled with words Perrie has been forgetting most frequently but the list seems to be growing exponentially with every passing day, and it's a little hard to keep up.

"Did you remember to feed the...the-" Perrie pauses, brow crinkling in concentration as she licks her lips and Jade feels a tidal wave of grief come crashing over her as Perrie stands there, eyes narrowing even further, hands curling into tiny little fists as she struggles to find the word she's looking for.

Wrapping her arms tightly around Perrie's shoulders and pressing a kiss to the top of her head that she can only hope is comforting, Jade murmurs, "The dog, love?"

Perrie turns into Jade's embrace and buries her face in Jade's collarbones and Jade feels her heart sink down to her knees when she feels wetness pooling there.

"Hey," she says gently, snaking a hand between Perrie's chest and her and grasping Perrie's chin, forcing her to meet her eyes. Perrie's eyes are glossy and rimmed red and she looks so pathetic and hopeless it's got tears prickling at Jade's own eyes. But she won't cry - not now, because this time Perrie needs her to be the strong one. And she will be.

"Baby," she murmurs, walking slowly backwards until her back thumps against the wall and tugging Perrie with her, sinking down to the floor so Perrie can rest in the space between her legs. It's only a minute or two until Perrie's sniffles stop completely, but the sensation of helplessness remains. "S'okay," she says, grabbing one of Perrie's hands - so teeny tiny, she's always been; it's one of Jade's favorite things - and traces the lines of her palm until Perrie has fully calmed down and is sitting upright, picking at the carpet with her free hand.

"Feel so stupid," Perrie mutters, cheeks flushing as she ducks his head, almost shamefully. "All the time."

"No." Jade nearly growls it, voice going harsh in a way it normally doesn't with Perrie. Perrie's head snaps up at the tone in her voice, looking more than a little startled but Jade just doesn't care, because she doesn't know what to do and she fucking hates feeling helpless like this. She wants to press Perrie into their mattress and whisper into her skin all the words that are running through his mind but they've got places to go and there's just no time. There never is, and her stomach lurches because they're running out of fucking time and she has so much he needs to say.

Instead, she just pulls Perrie close so their faces are level, noses brushing. Their breathing is almost humorously noisy in the still, quiet of the flat. "You're not stupid," Jade insists firmly, hands holding Perrie's face in place so she can't squirm away. "Never stupid, baby. Don't like hearing you say things like that." Perrie's gaze lowers and Jade knows she's going to start crying again, so she kisses him before she can.

It's only a chaste brush of lips, but it's enough.

"You don't get it," Perrie snaps, whirling on her one night when Jade is trying to cuddle her out of feeling sad for forgetting the word plant. Plant, for Christ's sake. "You don't know what it's like to wake up and forget the stupidest damn things, like where your toothbrush is or which door it is to our room."

Her lower lip trembles and she bites down on it, hard. She isn't sad, she is angry and she wants Jade so badly to understand but she can't fucking make her understand and it's not fair to try but it feels like she's stumbling through an endless expanse of moonless night alone and if that isn't the most goddamned terrifying thing, she's not sure what is.

"Babe," Jade says gently, eyes glittering and Perrie knows she's going to cry. "I know. I'm sorry. I just, fuck. Wish there was something I could do. I don't know what to do or how to help and I feel fucking helpless and I hate it, Pez-"

"I don't want this," Perrie cries suddenly, cutting Jade off and she feels like she's going to collapse, she's shaking so bad. "Gonna...forget...everything. You know that, right? That this is minor compared to how bad it's gonna get? Not gonna be able to sing or even fucking talk, Jade," he whimpers. "I don't want to forget you."

She barely has time to process her own sobs before Jade is engulfing her, arms wrapping tight tight tight around her, fingers digging into her back. Perrie has quiet sobs wracking her body and from the way she's shaking she knows Jade started to cry, too.

"I'm sorry," Perrie whispers, wiping her eyes on Jade's shirt. "I know you're trying. You're perfect. I'm sorry I said anything."

She never brings it up again.

♡♡♡♡

everything about this story is SO sad i cri everytime.

+++ my laptop broke fucking down for the tHird time and all my writing is gone for now :(

This will be the only story getting updates.

- dorien