The Stars Line Up For You

1. s t a r s

I run my shaky hands through my hair as another memory came through my head.

"No! You can't take her away from me!" My father tries to push past the police while I watch helplessly, being dragged away with pure fear coursing through my veins. I don't want to leave my dad. He wasn't perfect but he was all I had left when my mom died two years ago. I was trying to struggle against the police, but the was nothing much I could do in my 11 year old body. "No please!" I hear him cry out until his voice fades out and I'm forced into a car. Tears run down my cheeks as I stay stock still and silent.

We soon arrive at the police station, where the officers walk me to an office.
I look around scared. I just want to go home, but I'm old enough to know that that's not going to happen. The door opens, and I whip my head around to find a woman in her thirties smiling softly down at me."Hello Rae, my name's Jane, and I'm here to help you. We'll find you a new home." I completely ignore her words and become angry instead of scared. "I don't want a new home! I want to go back to my dad!" I screamed, and she looked startled for a split second. But then she adopted an expression of concern. By this time I was furious. She went to go get help or whatever, I didn't care what she was going to do as long as she left, and I slammed the door loudly and locked it. I was just so tired, and I turned around and slid down the door, and began to sob. I sobbed my eyes out, ignoring the pounds at the door and the voices calling for me. They slowly became less and less frequent until they stopped, and I drifted off into a restless sleep.

I sat against the drawers in the kitchen with my knees to my chest. The attacks were coming more frequently now, and this house was starting to suffocate me. You think I'd be better after years of living with my adoptive family, but I wasn't. It was a miracle they had even adopted me in the first place, a twelve year old girl with a panic disorder and issues that stretched way farther back than my dad being arrested. But here I was.

The therapy they put me in barely helped for shit, but I didn't want to cause anyone anymore reason to fuss over me or cause more trouble than I already had, and I just pushed my feelings down, pretending to be fine. I had learned to be a good actor and it had worked good enough. It's not like they completely noticed anyway. I knew they cared, and it was nice, but nothing was good enough to fill the gaping hole the loss of my family had created. Everyone I loved and trusted had been separated from me either by death or arrest. I didn't really need their attention anyway. I preferred to be by myself. I had learned to control everything about myself on my own.

I hunched over, shivering, my thoughts racing in my head at an aggravating pace. I fought to keep myself in control, push my feelings back down my throat where no one could find them, where I wouldn't feel anything at all.

This was hard to do when my memories haunted me every day.

I picked myself up after the wave passed, and went upstairs. I collapsed on my bed and fell asleep, too exhausted to handle my thoughts anymore.

"No!" I woke up screaming, my body drenched in sweat and my throat raw and sore. Another nightmare. 

***

I woke up and realized I had to go to school today. Just keep going. Distract yourself. It'll help, I reassured myself. So I took a shower, got dressed, and trudged downstairs. "Hey honey," Anna said cheerily and I offered a tired smile in return. I sat down with my breakfast and ate. Emery came into the kitchen and then Parker did too. They were never mean to me, they just didn't talk to me that much on account of me being a social outcast. I said bye to Anna then left quickly.