Let Me Be Your Anti-Depressant

What Else Do I Have To Lose?

I drove away from the school, thankful it was over for the week and the next. Spring break, as in the week I stay at home crying, eating my feelings, and watching the series Criminal Minds for the fiftieth time. Yeah, my life is great.

Driving home, I listened to Night Go Slow by Catey Shaw. It's one of my favorites. I tapped along to the beat as I turned into my driveway. Looking across the lawn, I saw my little sister Lindsay hanging out with a few of her friends outside. I'm gonna have to deal with them for the whole weekend. Great.

I opened my car door and climbed out, closing the door behind me. I hurried up the steps of my house, wanting to sneak past me so they wouldn't bombard me with stupid questions and rude remarks. For seventh graders, they are such bitches. Sliding through the door, I exhaled, glad to have gotten past them.

Okay so here's the deal. I don't exactly have friends at school. I mean, I have a few people I talk to. But they mostly just compliment me on what I'm wearing or if they look okay or not. I'm not mad about it. I like being on my own. But it does get pretty lonely sometimes.

Lindsay however, is the complete opposite. She's really popular, has tons of friends, and a lot of boys like her. I once caught her with some guys tongue down her throat. She paid me $30 to keep quiet, so I basically let her do what she wants. Other than sex of course.

And there's also the whole gay thing. My family isn't against it but it makes them super uncomfortable when I talk about it. I guess that's why they always ask if Lindsay likes a guy but never if I like a girl. I mean, Lindsay's the good child. I'm the weird gay one who wears a lot of bold lipstick, combat boots, and fishnet tights with skirts. They aren't huge fans of my fashion choices.

I walked through the kitchen, adamant on just binge watching for the rest of tonight. As I opened my door, I peeled off my shirt and threw it across the room. I don't even fucking care right now, I'm tired. Walking past my bed, I sat down in front of my laptop and got on Tumblr, scrolling through my feed for about an hour or two when my phone beeped.

I looked at my phone to see who had texted me. Oh, it's Maddie. Maddie is one of my "friends." Her parents have a lot of money and she throws parties all the time, because her house is huge and her parents are almost always gone. She's the closest person I could call a best friend. Maddie always invites me to these parties and I always turn it down. Not because I don't like her, it's just because I'm very socially awkward and parties aren't usually my thing. I don't have anything against them, it's just that it gets weird for me sometimes.

I opened the text from Maddie and began to read what she sent.

Hey I'm having a party tonight. You should really come. You'd have a lot of fun.

I tapped my fingers on my desk and rolled my eyes. Of course. I typed out my reply.

Um I don't know. I'm kinda tired.

I received a reply almost immediately.

Oh come on Ember. Please? You never come to any of my parties! Plus Jenny will be there...

I glared at the phone screen. Of course she pulled that one on me. Fuck you Maddie.

Maddie was the only one I told about Jenny and the only reason why I did it was because she cornered me in the bathroom wanting to know who I liked. And I had to get to class and she was in my way. Excuse the hell out of me for not having a choice. So much regret.

I thought out my response to that, thinking that maybe I could just tell Maddie I didn't like Jenny anymore. No, that wouldn't work. She can tell when I'm lying. Dammit.

Fine. When is it? I typed in the message box, pressing send.

OMG REALLY?!?! THANK YOU GOD

I frowned and rolled my eyes. She gets over excited about stuff like this.

She typed out the information about when it was, her address and some flirting tips. I texted the middle finger emoji.

I got it. I'm gonna get ready since it starts in a couple hours. I need a shower. See you later.

I hit send and started picking out the clothes I was gonna wear, when my phone beeped again. I grabbed it and unlocked it, and read her message.

Ok see you there hot stuff lol

I shook my head and put my phone back on my desk and continued going through my clothes. Laying all of my clothes out on my bed, I grabbed a new pair of underwear, a fresh bra, and a towel. I walked into my bathroom and started the shower. Slipping off my clothes, I set my glasses down on the counter by the sink and stepped into the now heated shower.

I washed my hair and body thoroughly, all the while wondering what I was gonna say to Jenny. I'm gonna make a fool out of myself. I shaved quickly, wanting to get out. Why did I say I would go again? Oh yeah, the last time I'll get to stare at Jenny longingly for the next week.

Shutting off the water, I exited the shower and grabbed the soft white towel I had set out. After I had dried my body, only leaving it a bit damp, I set my glasses back on my face and prepared my hair dryer. I flipped the switch and combed my fingers through my hair as the hot air blew into my face, hair, and neck. It took a few minutes but my hair was finally dry. Wrapping the towel around my body, I left my bathroom and stared down at my clothes.

It's not too late to cancel. I could still do it. Maddie would be mad at me but she would get over it. I could save myself the embarrassment.

I stood over my clothes for about 5 minutes till I finally dropped my towel and started to pull them on. Well, what else do I have to lose?