The Scars Within

Desdemona's Story

"So Mona, how long have you been self harming? " Desdemona's therapist looked up from her clipboard as she waited for a response. After a few minutes of watching her fidget and swing her legs in silence, the therapist said, "Desdemona?" As Mona looked up she sighed," well. I mean what do you, umm, well what do you mean by self harm? What do you consider self harm?"
"well I guess I mean how long have you intentionally inflicted or caused yourself pain physically or emotionally? "
"well..." As Desdemona sat and thought about it she realized that she couldn't remember a time that she didn't cause herself pain. She looked up and realized she hadn't spoken for almost five minutes. "well I guess since I was four."
"Desdemona's therapist looked confused, "what do you mean? "
"well I mean I didn't know it was self harm at the time but looking back I guess everyone since I went into foster care I was self harming. " As the painful memories came crashing into her like strong waves during a storm, Desdemona tried to keep her thoughts straight. "I mean, Like, for example I would pull my teeth out or chip them or I would bang my head against a wall. I would hit myself and bruise myself. I already was malnutrition so I would starve myself but I'd eat so much then make my self throw up so I could eat more. Out of fear that I wasn't going to get to eat again." Mona paused and took a deep breath trying to remember. "It is okay Mona, take your time. " As her therapist took some notes she began to share again. "well, let's see... When I was a little older I would pull knives out and press it into my stomach and run around the house. "
"how old were you, when you did that"
"um 6 or 7 I think. " Mona's therapist scribbled more notes and motioned for her to continue. "when I was six or so I saw red pills in my moms car and I ate them. I had to get my stomach pumped. " Mona paused once again to let her take notes once she was finished Mona finished " Ummm, oh right, then when I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and depression I was put on a lot of medication I was already taking ADHD medication so I was always taking pills. Well when I turned 12 or 13 I started taking more than prescribed pills. I was always taking three or four pills more in a week. Then I had anger outburst and everything was so bad. It was like I couldn't think for myself. I couldn't control any of my actions. I was on a really bad downward spiral."
"well what about when you got into high school "
"I was off all medication then but I never thought of myself as having self harmed before. I never knew people cut themselves. I didn't know that was real. I was never exposed to it before. Then my friend showed me her scars. I thought to myself that I would never go that deep into depression to cut myself. Then one night all my outlets were failing. I didn't know what to do. So I picked up a blade and I cut. I only cut three times until the pain was too much I didn't want to do it again. But a few days later I found myself on my bathroom floor, blood was everywhere I had cut my arm so much that it was numb to the point that I felt no pain at all with each additional cut. After that I couldn't stop. I ran out of places on my arm so the next time I cut my stomach. Once I ran out of room on my stomach I cut my thighs after that I realized that I had been cutting myself for almost 4 months and I had cut almost every other week. I was addicted. I was addicted to the pain. I craved the sting of the metal slicing my flesh. I became obsessed with the need to satisfy this Hunger I felt for pain and numbness. Each cut sent me off the deep end more and more I to depression Yet everyone morning I'd put on that ling sleeve and paint a fake smile on to hide the pain. In the morning after each time I felt ashamed. I felt horrible and guilty. I felt as if I did something bad. And that made me want to cut myself even more for being a screw up. "
"It's okay Mona , keep going."
"then one day I finally reached out... But it wasn't enough for me to stop. Finally I just gave up after so much happened. And that's when I attempted to end my life. "
Mona looked up to see her therapist staring at her and not writing anything.
"Okay Mona, that's enough for today. We will continue tomorrow. Stay strong and know nothing is wrong with you. "