Paper Hearts

THEN: Chapter 32

“No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.”  - C. S Lewis

Eden:

The letter arrived a week or so later, the same day it had been announced that three men had died in the Afghanistan explosion. The names were due to be released by the families to the press that evening. I felt sick. I couldn’t think, I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t eat. Sleep eluded me. I was so distracted that, in the end, I asked Mum to have George for the day and night after all...just in case. If Ollie was one of those named dead, I did not want my son to see me fall apart.

I had just seen George off when the post arrived. I picked it up with trembling fingers, leafed through it listlessly – just bill after bill, nothing unusual...until the letter. A handwritten letter, addressed to me, in handwriting I did not recognise. I tore it open so quickly that the paper sliced my finger. I barely noticed the small beads of blood that pattered onto the paper.

Dear Eden,

We’ve only ever met briefly, but you may remember me; I’m Dan, a friend and colleague of Ollie’s. We’ve been fighting together here in Afghanistan for a few years now, and although I’m not sure he’d want me to, I felt like I had to write to you, because you’re all he ever thinks about.

Three days ago, Ollie was injured. Badly. I presume the bombing has been all over the news by now, so you’ll know the majority of the story. But what you won’t know is that when the bomb went off, some shrapnel lodged itself in Ollie’s chest, right by his heart. It severed a major artery, and it was touch and go for a while. Even I started to think he wouldn’t make it. But he’s okay. He got through it, he’s had surgery, and they’re going to be waking him up today. I just thought, for some reason, that you should know, because I’m pretty sure that even if you have moved on you’ll have paid attention to this story on the news, and you’ll have had this niggling fear in the back of your mind for days now. I know how much you two loved each other, and that doesn’t just go away.

Anyway, although I’ve been assured that Ollie will be okay physically, I somehow think his psychological state of mind is going to be a bit different. You see, Ralph, Kieran and Will died in the explosion, and I think Kieran’s death is going to hit him really hard – you remember how close the two of them were. But I promise you, I’ll take care of him. If he’ll let me.

I also think that you should know that he still loves you. I can only hope that you feel the same. He talks about you at every opportunity, he’s even been seeing a therapist about it, and he gets this certain look on his face when he thinks about you. I know he still has a photo of you stashed somewhere too, though he doesn’t carry it around everywhere anymore. But trust me, he looks at it. A lot. He’s in it pretty deep. Just thought you should know.

Best wishes,

Dan

I didn’t hesitate in making my next move. I may have shredded the addresses for Ollie’s Skype and the place to send the letters, I may have deleted his phone number, but they had not been deleted from my head. I grabbed a lined notebook from the kitchen draw, sat down at the breakfast bar, and started to write.

Dearest Ollie,

I know we promised not to write, or contact each other in any way, but I just got the letter from Dan. He told me about the explosion – I knew you’d been hurt, Ollie, I felt it right in my gut, and I thank God, I thank God that you’re okay! Because Dan also mentioned that you’re still in love with me. And oh God, you have no idea how much I needed to hear that, because I still love you so much. I tried to forget you but I can’t. I need you. I always have needed you and wanted you and loved you, right from the day we met. I’m yours. I’ve been yours for a very long time.