I’m Sorry
The incident still lingers in Phil’s mind; it was only a few weeks ago after all.
Exactly 2 weeks, 3 days, 8 hours and 12 minutes ago, Phil walked into the cold, dark bathroom to see his chocolate eyed friend covered in shining bloody, lying up against the greyed bath.
Exactly 2 weeks, 3 days, 8 hours and 11 minutes ago, Phil fell to his trembling knees, panicking at the sight laid before him as he desperately tried to stem his friends bleeding. The deep red liquid pouring from his brown haired companion’s scarred wrists.
Exactly 2 weeks, 3 days, 8 hours and 7 minutes ago, Phil watched helplessly as he saw death take his only true friend…
His true love.
Little did Dan know this, little did he know he could have held on, little did he know how Phil truly felt.
Exactly 2 weeks, 3 days, 7 hours and 9 minutes ago, Phil had cried every tear within him. Then he found the note. The note Phil still holds close to his chest, to his heart, as he sits emotionlessly on Dan’s unmade bed. The crumpled, blood stained piece of paper holding a thousand thoughts and emotions.
Dear Phil,
I suppose this is my ‘suicide note’… Such an ugly word. Suicide. Sounds so straight forward and to the point, yet it’s not. So much thought and planning has gone into this.
I don’t want you to try and stop me, you didn’t even know the state I am in, but I wish you did. But, I know you’d ask questions, why I am in the state I am, why I am feeling this way, and even if you didn’t like annoying me, I know the questions would still be in the back of your mind, as you thought over the situation more, eventually thinking it’s your fault and sending you into this dark state. I couldn’t put you through that pain. I’m sorry.
I can’t handle answering these questions in person, even though the answer is simple.
I love you Phil.
I... Always have, and always will, even beyond my inevitable grave. I wish I could tell you but I don’t want to lose you. I didn’t want to scare you away.
I can’t take it anymore… It feels like I’m harbouring a secret that’s devouring me alive, breaking me. I love you Phil, I love you. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I just can’t handle the pain any longer.
Perhaps if I had told you, it would have gotten better, or worse. I’m not prepared to take that chance, besides… It’s probably too late now, by the time you find this. One more swift movement from the comforting metal in my bloodied fingers and I’m gone. Forever.
But Phil, I want you to move on. I want you to live your life, have a family, carry on YouTube, keep the Phillions happy… and look after my Danosaurs. I can’t even fathom their reaction to this… As if my heart could break anymore.
I love you Phil,
I’ll see you one day again, I hope.
But until then I’ll be with you always…
Watching over you…
I’m so sorry Phil…
~Dan
The first week seemed the easiest, surprisingly. Phil was in too much shock to actually take in all this. But, Dan’s funeral was the worst, hundreds of Danosaurs, friends and family crying at the same point, no matter where they were, all due to the loss of an amazing person. But the speeches hurt the most. Phil couldn’t even pay attention to most of them, due to the uncontrollable constant warm tears tumbling down his reddened face. But then, it was his turn.
He managed to stay strong during most of it, until the end.
“…D-Dan… Dan was… Something special. Truly. H-he was… The most astounding person I have ever met, and ever will. And… I regret, I regret so much, not telling him this when I had the chance… But…” Phil paused, preparing himself for what he was about to do. “…But, I loved him… I-I truly loved him…” Phil cried, running out of the hall, holding his hands over his tear stained face.
The second week was by far the worst. It’s the week it all sunk in. Phil spent the week in Dan’s room, just sitting on his bed, clutching the letter and starring at the same patch of plain wall day in, day out.
But today, today he felt the urge to do something. Phil trudged to the kitchen, about to make himself a drink, a simple everyday task… That broke him. As Phil took two glasses from the cupboard, he called into the cold empty apartment:
“Dan! Do you want an-“ Then it hit him.
Dan’s gone.
Forever.
He’ll never see or hear him again. His kind voice, musky scent and perfect smile, never again.
Phil collapsed to the ground, sliding down the white kitchen wall.
“I can’t do this…” He cried “Dan, I can’t do this.”
Phil scrambled for his phone, and sent two simple words to his closest friends.
‘I’m sorry’
Phil expected the replies to be a mix of confusion, realisation, shock then panic. He was right.
Ignoring the worried words of his friends, Phil walked over to Dan’s room, after shakily getting to his feet, and he picked up the note he’d written and prepared. Emotionlessly walking to the bathroom, he eased himself to the floor, the spot he found Dan dying in. He reached for a small metal object, the blade Dan treasured so. Taking it in his shaking hands, he dragged it against his snow white skin.
1 cut
“I’m sorry…”
2 cuts.
“I can’t Dan…”
3 cuts.
“Please… I’m so sorry…”
5 cuts.
“I guess…”
8 cuts.
“…I’ll see you soon”
10 cuts.
12
15
The life was draining from Phil, as blood spilled across his arms and the chilled stained floor. But, just before he closed his eyes for the last time, he heard a crash of the front door being opened. Pj and Chris followed, bursting into the bathroom.
“PHIL NO!” Pj shouted, scrambling to the floor.
“I’m sorry…” Phil whispered, before drifting into an eternal sleep.
“I’m so sorry…”
