Magic Yet Toxic Love (Phan)

Why I REALLY Can Never Sleep

It was the middle of the night, and I couldn't stop crying. All I wanted right now was for Phil to be here, cuddling with me, when really he was the reason I was crying. I loved Phil so much, but he would never like me as anything more than a friend. Not only because he is straight, but because he is probably afraid of me. Sometimes when I get drunk, I will get very angry or violent with Phil for no reason, and it could be terrifying. The problem for me was that I would risk everything just to be with Phil, and he didn't have a clue. Every night I can't sleep, because he's not next to me, and he never will be. Sometimes I'll hear him wake up in the middle of the night crying after a nightmare, and all I want to do is go lay with him, yet I can't because that's unacceptable. Tonight though, I was so over it. It has been 2 years since me and Phil met, and ever since we met I have been madly in love with the older boy. We just moved in together recently, which made the pain even more unbearable. Today me and Phil had gotten in a minor argument, no big deal, but I just couldn't get over it. Neither of us are even mad! Everything is fine! But what happened made me realize: Since we are just friends (even though I wish we could be more) if we get in a major enough argument he could just leave me here, and I would lose the best thing to ever happen to me. The thought was unbearable.

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The next morning, I got up around 11 to Phil making his usual coffee, when he asked if I wanted some. "Sure!" I replied, hoping my eyes weren't puffy from the night before. 

"Alright, do you wanna make some pancakes? We haven't in a while, and it sounds especially great this morning" Phil said with a huge grin.

"Sure! We have the stuff, so I don't see why not! Although I bet you $15 you can't flip a pancake without dropping it." 

"Oh you're on. Get ready to pay!" Phil replied with a smirk. He was so confident, it was adorable. DAN. STOP THINKING LIKE THIS. HE'LL NEVER LOVE YOU. I think that sometimes I just begin to daydream about Phil, and it is one of the leading reasons I beat  myself up about loving him; even though I know it will never happen I keep a little hope.